i never learn xD

ok. nda buli tgk mr aquarius sda. klu nda mati aku kena bunuh mrs dia xDDDDDDDDD oh well at least it was the best eye candy i had ^____^ bersih sda mata, puas cuci xPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

itu sahaja. for futher details u can email me at imanidiot@slapme.com

this'll be quick

HOORAAAAYYY!!!! broadband ku amat2 ok sda muahahahaha...im back to being an internet junkie la ni, fb 24 hours a day, changing my blogger templates, dont forget the whining, and discovering more weird things on youtube HAHA!!

o yaa speaking of weird, last nite, the person i never wud've thought to contact me from kuantan, EVER, actually called me (WARGGH!!) err...the only thing i knew about him was probably the fact dat his mustache grows faster on the left side of his mouth...other than that, ZERO. it was weird....

oooohhhhh and hooray for my boyfriend coz he didn't listen to me when i told him to do his assignment on sunday now he's stuck with 3, and it has to be submitted tomorow! not a single one is done!!! HOORAYYY!!! akakakakaka xD

oh question, how would you react if someone told you that he/she is so popular in sabah?

hahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok2 last one....make up......I NEED A SMUDGIE!!!! ='( i cannot live without smoky eyes.......i feel like an artery vein in my body has been cut & now i'm dying bleeding to death......dats how bad i need a smudge tool......hehehe....

i'll probably make a new post again after dis heheeeeeeeeeee....bye for now

stubborn & spoiled right down to the core (whoopsie~)

MIA! MIA! MIA! MIA! MIA!!!!!!!!!!!! i was mia for quite a long time. so the woes, complaints & whining will be extra long from now on xD to cover up all those lost times of course lol xD before elaborating the numerous events that happened in my life during the time i was gone, i just couldn't get this off my chest for the moment. here goes.

i.......i...i.i.i.i.i.i.i....i......i...i..i...i....do not have all the explainations for my behaviour sometimes. i might have an idea why, at times, but, it still does not fully justify wat i did. my outbursts, meltdowns, & temper can be...well...overwhelming.

i always wanna improve my life, & myself. if i feel that im a moron, i'd change till i dont feel like a moron. if i feel like i live the life of a moron, i'd improve watever the heck it is dats moron-ish in my life till it seems pretty ok to me. make sense? ok. now for the main course.

i come across as someone passive since forever! yes. ok. alright. mbah. buli ba. it gives an impression that anything goes for me. when actually, NO ba. so my life gets pretty bad after all this. i attracted pests. & sent out wrong impressions & wat not. so i dont wanna be like dis anymore. i dont wanna be miserable.

so im stamping my foot on the ground; i must get what i want! when i dont, IT ISNT ACCEPTABLE! i want what i want, if it isnt wat i want then i wont bother! it'll be a big NO all the way!

so yeah with that it works. it actually works & i do get my way & stuff. but....doesnt dis make me a moron? xD

haiihh...i win some but i lose some. in the midst of making things right for me, i became very2 stubborn & spoiled~ whoops~ an...accident u might say xD hehe...he...no dis isnt funny...i feel that my outbursts is the inner me trying to fight for wat i want that ive kinda lost my moral compass for a moment there. cant i get my way without all the stubborness & spoiledness?

cant think! mental block! vocab drought! bye2.

back to back

NUMB.

is it ok to say dat im actually embarassed to talk about my new work?

=P

im holding back...coz...dats...wat i do

=PP

but dont get any ideas now!

im doing a legal job & everything its just dat OH NVM!! *sulks at own ridiculousness*

i should be the happiest person in the world now

my lil sis naha is home

making the family complete!

my best friend amy has also finished her practical

& is here!

HOORAY!

puasa is coming, i cant wait

time for the cleansing of the mind, body & soul..

the month couldn't have come in a better time

i really needed it

but i'm not happy

i am CONTENT.

dat's good enough right?

plus,

i have me a pair of shoulders to lean on

even though they might not be there all the time

once in a while is better than none at all =)

♥R♥

ps: this was just an update. im not apologizing for boring u HAHA!

the great escape =P

As a drifting waste sailing on the river banks,
I follow what may,
Destination nor desire,
I have none
Purpose,
Life,
What keeps me going,
Is only my on-going breath
My heart
Till it stops.

i need to get outta here for a while before i lose my mind. 22nd may. OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hari yang paling random

good evening :D

ini post ni semua pasal saya. brace urself, its LONG ahahahha...haa...ahahh *ketawa angin*

i don't know how my interview went!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the anxiety still hits me even when everything was over...hmm i dunno if that was like a real interview or anything, they still have to refer to this one dude..well, at least, i smelled good & i put on my best bila-jumpa-mama-mentua smile. up to them la suda tu kan? :D :D :D

ok, this might sound psychologically off, but when im alone & taking the bus or walking, my train of thought is so intense i feel like my brain & me are two different entities. do i....need a shrink? haha! from the days of my diploma, when traveling to get my ass to the airport, excursions, on a bus from ktn to kl & back, on the plane itself, dammit, I FRIGGIN' THINK A LOT!!!!!!!!! at times it can be soothing, at times the skeletons in my closet comes out on its own. they would mock me >.<>

first mishap of the day, lambat bangun. ^______^ eheh. fuuh. nsb baik miss irene pun busy time pagi. whew~ then i walked out of my room, my lil bro was eating maggi, & could still hear my big bro's snores. oh lookie, my mom is still here too. okay. @_@ both of my brothers ponteng school!!! kaliff nda pigi kelas! @_____@ & mama nda pegi office..she's just gonna go to teach =D hahh..cumilnya family ku ^____^

k, my mom sent me to my dad's office. the company was just in front of his anyways, so dgn selambanya masuk p office dia & said

"haaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii papaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

nden, he said,

"bukan the tourism division tu d sadong jaya ka?"

erm. wait. inoprise is....d depan office papa la kan? i was in likas. sadong jaya = kk

TTT__________________________TTT

"eheh...buli papa...hantar hannah p kk? :D" ngahahahhah

"ya ya papa hantar, cepat" :P lalalalaaa...

& so i got there, did the interview, & went to get the best roti sardine in the whole world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D forgotla nama restaurant tu, but i went there last time & ordered tu roti sardine la, haihh...pnya nyaman...ohh & i saw my old schoolmate. junior la. mau tegur...but he was so proud of his girlfriend *sigh* & he made a face that stated "im the man" ???????? bah. aku makan la dlu ah. while watching men in their underpants. literally hahaha!! tv 2 was interviewing former Mr. Kuching 1989 & he was eating 10 boiled eggs @_@ muak eh. yeckhh.

it stopped raining, & so i guess i'll walk from sadong to karamunsing's bustop (-_-") i didnt wana wait up on my parents, & it was still early so i decided to go home on my own. its far, but i just didn't wanna wait.

so, my scatterbrained thoughts started, as usual. i just wanna think about everything surrounding me & comment it in my own head. as i was thinking & thinking & thinking some more, i was already near the bustop. hooray! :D i was actually near the wide green vass that i just usually passed inside of a car. it was kinda nice :D it wasn't as far as i thought too!!!

so, all i had to do now was cross the road...so...


"AMOOOOOIIIII!!!! INI ORG KIRIM SALAM BA MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!"


wtf....

*cars honking*

KIMAK!!!!!!!!!! tidak lucu tu T_T aku...hmpir kena langgar sbb kau mau ckp kwn ko kirim slam. meh aku silambam dulu kau.

but my mood quickly changed! i was passing under a jalan tingkat2 *nda tau cmna mau explain* pnya smat @_@ i will bring naha there one day for ammature photography sessions ;P

so i finally got to the bustop. :D whew. no more weird encounters i hope. so i was just daydreaming & thinking while waiting, then a pacik tegur me "nak, mana kau mo pigi ni?" i told him, & he asked where i was from, bangsa apa, jawab ja la. didn't look like a harmful person so i just talked to him. then he said "blah blah pacik aziz blah blah blah" the rest was kinda incomprehendable...so i just nodded la. entah apa dia bilang.

nden, smpai la my bus kan. so i walked to get my butt in there, nden this pacik (aziz, i guess) was suddenly standing up & said "ini bagi dia duduk ini, ko kasi dia duduk saya kenal ini" ? hah? oh...ok, thanks i guess but i could stand. im no whiner. nden the bus conductor talked to him. pointed to me & said "mari cni saudara pacik aziz!" ??????? what? apa? kah? ok. aku. naik. saja. lah. the pacik was talking to the bus driver. what's going on here?

gerak la suda bas tu kan. but i was still confused with what just happened. oh well. so, i took out my tambang, pointing to the bus conductor, giving it to him. & he refused it with a tiny head shake. ?????????????????? aik. kenapa? multiple times, i pointed it to him, but he didnt seem to want it. ???????????????????????? c'moooooooooooooooooooon let me pay like everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im not priviliged with anything here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nden, the pacik came into my head. @_@ *gasp* mafia ka pacik td tu? erm. im just gonna put on my iPod.

so, i arrived home. i tried to pay for my ride, but all the bus dude said was "Jalan ja la" TT____________________TT hahh. ok.

it's still a long way till i actually get my butt home. i have to walk about, half a mile? maybe? kinda far but i like the view especially when its rainy. the clouds get all dramatic & smoky. iim gonna kidnap my dad's cam one of these days & take them cloud picts!!!! heheheheheh...best baaa..mau2 lg kalau curi2 naik tangki air dekat guardhouse tu. wahh.

suddenly, my feet feels kinda sore. they hurt!! my ankles was killing me! staga. teda pun aku terseliuh td!! kenapa sakit niiiiiii...duinah mcm2 la ba. then, i looked down to my feet.

yes. of course. the whole point of me being out of the house was to attend an interview.

OF COURSE I HAVE 3 INCH HEELS ON.

(-________________________________________-")

i....wasn't aware of that. i should've just waited for my parents shouldn't I? LMAO

itulah...that was my day...from my eyes, my views, my perspective...where I could reminisce about it one day & laugh, frown maybe, & unable to explain why :D just one of those days that are both senseless & significant at the same time. boy. i talk a lot don't i?

hahh..mcm dpt spek baru

ni baru nyaman mata ku!! nnt2la bebackground yg cumil2...serabut ni ba :D

hooraaahhh tomorow's my interview with inorprise :D :D :D :D :D :D i dont wanna jinx myself so i'll just shut up bout dis untill its all done ;P

wokehh..today, i went out with my lil bro ami!! =) my darling lil bro...here's the thing...usually, lil brothers are clingy to their elder siblings right? and when u go out, they wanna follow too...watever u wanna do, they are just up in your face and wanting to tag along with u.

but wit me & that cute lil bro of mine, its the whole opposite thing MIAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!

im the clingy one (^^,) hehehehehehe seriously~ i pretty much do everything he does from playing the PS 2, reading manga, and occasionally (& i mean, jarang2) watch football..LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....tho i look like an idiot when i do so he doesn't really recommend that i watch football hehehe

so today, as if i don't embarrass myself enough, being the immature & childish one, i discovered that...he....is....knowledgable than me....

(-_____________________________________________________-")

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! hahahahaha

konon la kan....konon....i brought him out to study, he's having PMR this year and it's hard to study at home, i know that, & so i wanted to tutor him a bit, sit down somewhere and stuff..we were reading & answering questions, he did it all without me doing anything T____T he even knew things that weren't in his text book TT_______________TT he corrected me most of the time......

bolehkah aku menangis?

gila lah. bangga la juga :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

but seriously duuuude that made me feel like a bimbo...BIG TIME >.<

oh well hahahahaha...cant help being who i am...dia pun sama :D :D :D :D

thoughts for today: those old wounds never really healed. im aware of that. hmmm najib the new PM eh? are we in good hands people? i have a baaaaaaaad vibe bout dis.......next post!!!

a bad coloured rainbow hahaha

hehahaaaa. i did some changes to my blog but the colours are still......berhamburan hehehehehehe. sakit la jua mata tgk >.<


i didn't plan on writing anything specific (or useful hehee) on this post (as always) sooooooooo...wanna see my new pictures? :DDDDDDD

Before:

After:

(nope that won't do...again!)








FINAL:

wat do ya think??????? ngehh...at times, i do feel like Xena...u know...the warrior princess? i didnt at first but seriously, im hearing the theme song a lot in my head nowadays @_@ but, im really liking this new hair. its kinda like a transformation, which was what i wanted! i was getting tired of my old hair so much. (do i sound self-centered? :P)





3 comments i cannot forget:

1. "U don't look malaysian! or asian! or eroupean! u look...HANNAH!" by my mom. she meant i created a new race. bangsa hannah. i looked so different i created a new race hehehehehe i love my mom ^___^ course, moms always say nice things bout their kids, so im still on earth ;)

2. "Hannaaaaaaaaah u look nice!" by my lil bro. that's the first time he said that =)

3. "My, siapa kawan ko ni? dari hari tu lagi aku nampak" my best friend amy's mom. we've known each other for the past 11 years. that's about the same time i've known her mom too :D :D :D :D :D :D





no 1 & 3 cracks me up to tears ^______________________^ while no 2, gave me tears for a different reason =))


well, that's it for now. i have tons of things to write but i'll save that for another time. my back ache is IMPOSSIBLE!!! i guess i have been sitting here a bit too long....ehehh..

id like to say thank u to those new people who visited my blog! do feel free to leave any comment or say something at the chat box =)

bye bye now!

update! ;D

1. my hair's straighten, rebonded & i have fringe. curious?? next post la pict. :P

2. still not working. no surprise there LMAO im pathethic, but am still cute. ^_____________________________^ i will slap myself later. hmm..im still struggling thru dis one. but im optimistic!!

3. i am confused, hurt, & feeling casted away right now. no surprise either eh? im destined somehow for negativity. optimistic, yes :D

4. discovery!! my cats penjealous rupanya. pantang, kami makan dia pun mau. kami ketawa drg pun lompat2 mau attention. olololoooo.

5. im totally in an experimenting mode. no boundaries, trying everything new =) hehe

6. ok, i want everyone to know this. if ur a girl, & me being friends with ur boyfriend bothers the fuck out of u, tell me straight out & i'll leave both of u alone. if ur a boy, & me being friends with u pisses the heck outta ur girlfriend, dont waste my time k? dont drag me into ur issues. i know how i am, i have seen how a person is intentionally wanting attention that it disrupts a relationship, or it bothers either one, the guy or the girl; but i am not THAT GIRL. that kind of BITCH ruined my life (momentarily) before & i swore that THAT is what i DONT want to be.

7. there'll be more potty-mouthing, & they're not sugar-coated hehe. ERHEM. im 21 years old, becoming 22 soon. ive pretty much seen a lot of people by now. & experience quite a few things. so i'll know a MORON when i see one. try not to judge me as the baby-faced soft-spoken hannah all the time. i can be the in-ur-face hannah too.

8. i have a BEDHEAD SMUDGIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i'll stop being angry & start being grateful for the good things that happened recently.

i went a lil overboard T___T

i am so fickle.

i like, change every two seconds.

i realized that my anger (from previous post) is totally unfair. anger maybe, but to throw my thoughts up to a point where i dont considerate others' feelings, especially my loved ones really just makes me a MORON.

probably there was another reason for this; i have been sleeping a lil too much...pms? T___T

anyway, my parents r a bit possessive right now & i can understand why; aku ni anak dorang, bukannya setakat kenalan ja. it makes me feel really bad & guilty to be thinking & saying the stuff here. but, i am only human, i can get angry too. this is like what, the umpteenth time i mention dis? but seriously, there's no excuse for me saying wat i did, thank goodness its only in my personal online diary where they dont read it, instead of me going to another tantrum & yelling all those stuff. GOSH. that would've been terrible.

i remembered when i was in kuantan, i desperately thought of home & wanted so bad to stay here; i was so sure that everything will be fine, i'll be most happy here, with my dear family & friends; & now im not gonna let my impulsive self change my mind all the time. yeah, things might not go according to plan but i just got to make do with watever is given to me. right?

it helps tho in this dillema i feel; i think i can make a good decision when im not all angry & tantrumatic.

danum? or kk?

..


....


.......


.........


....................

Turmoil strikes again. Argh.

hello. im going to babble.

im so stressed out i feel like i can speak german. LOCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCHHH SHEERERRRRRRKKKKHHHHH TU BAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *kasi gegar2 tekak*

T_T

okay. isi pertama.

i went for an interview with yayasan sabah last monday, for the post of this secretariat thingy la. i didnt even noe wat i was interviewing for until i...was..interviewed :P & so, i got good feedback from the interviewers regarding my results & resume compare to the one dat was full of shit with STB. it made me feel elated & a bit happy la. sepa nda happy kena recognize gitu?

ok. then, they told me, my place was in Danum or Maliyau, where all the tourism activities r better compare to the ones in kk. instead of interviewing me for the actual post in yayasan sabah tu, they were suggesting me to go to danum & telling me how good it was.

the lady said "sayang oh experience ko ni"

2nd lady "fits better dgn ko pnya background & apa yg ko buat time praktikal ko"

cute dude wit gorgeous dimples "sana byk jugak officer perempuan tu. so its safe for a girl"

whew. dude, wit ur looks, u can say cow dung taste good & i'll believe u :D :D :D :D

erhem. back to me being depressed.

so, it made me consider bout going there; the offer was tempting. the job was perfect & i know i'll enjoy wat i'll be doing. all i had to do was contact the ladies (& hopefully the dude :P) & i can go there whenever i want!!!!!!!

but, thing is, ive already started doing things here in kk :( im taking a takaful insurance exam soon dat my uncle sponsered for & im already in a dance group even tho i havent performed yet.

me going to danum or maliyau wud mean me abondoning those things; its not as terrible as it sounds, but i have already agreed to my uncle's request on helping him build up dis takaful branch, & he has full confidence on me.

im new to the dance group, & im lucky i already have a placing in at least 2 of the dances, & I was the one who wanted to be in it so badly, i was the one looking for them & suddenly, i bail?

*sigh*

i dont wanna look back & remembered dat i regretted something. i dont wanna be looking back at something i wanted to do but didnt. & so i held that thought; i wanted to still think about it. i havent made up my mind yet after the interview, i waited untill when i can discuss it wit my parents.

right.

here's the second one.

i wasn't allowed to go to danum. (?????????????????????????????????????)

watha.......?

ok. im being a bad daughter & wat not, so BITE ME.

after the interview, i told my dad bout the danum thing. & dat i think me, my mom & him should discuss about it at home. i thought, i was allowed to make my own decisions. i thought, the reason i did not take up my degree so soon was that so i can take better opportunities outside a campus.

i thought........didnt it......? wasnt it dis?? HELLO?????????????????????

my mom & dad did discuss. wit themselves. while i was happily sleeping & oblivious. when i woke up, it hurts to see that they reached a decision without hearing me out. i was given the "pleading tone" again that i hate so much.

"but in danum...."

"u wont be able to dance..."

"hannah suda start sini ba kan..."

i wasnt given a choice. i knew wat it all meant. one parent dropping the subject, another parent convincing me to stay. i feel kinda betrayed dat i didnt even get to have a say in this matter. i feel so angry & stressed out that my decision & wat i wanted seems like it doesnt matter.

so i rebelled. i still stood my ground bout considering danum. it was harsh, but it was what i wanted. confused as i am on wat choice i would make, i didnt want anyone to make my choice for me untill i asked for it.

but i guess i wasnt the only one who wouldn't give up.

"hannah, kerjala d kk. **** mau hannah kerja d sini" dis is still ok.

"i want to see u dance" danum. im still thinking but danum.

"if i couldn't dance, im happy to see u" im not changing my mind.

"all the macik2 pun bangga tu tgk hannah"

oooooohhhhh PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE LAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we're using relatives now? dat me leaving just to work in danum effects the whole entire family tree now??????????????????????????????????????

kill me.

isi ketiga.

i dont wanna be tied down. though i occasionally miss the feeling of having a significant other, im single & happy. i do not wanna have that much of a commitment yet when ur making decisions for two. when anything u do, means dat ur doing it together.

but seriously. i feel like im married with my family. the way i see it, it doesnt have to be dis much. i have to be responsible towards my family, i noe dat, but not up to a point where i feel SUFFOCATED. wat was the point of making me go to pahang & let me learn independence, & then putting me 3 steps backwards? why?

dis is a feeling i do NOT need at the moment. can anyone see that? im not 12. in the end, it wasnt about danum. its about what i want. i probably wouldnt go to danum if i was actually given the time to think about it. i noe im selfish but i am of age to do dat, aren't i? i do not want to be forced into doing something. i wanna be able to make my own decisions.

i want to LIVE. *sigh* i cant please everyone.

aaaaaaa...awkward T_T

as some of u already know (eh jap...amy ja kali LOL!!) aku....hehe...getek...p join menari punya group :D :D :D :D :D apaituh...the name of the group is Creative Arts Sabah, & ketua group tu senior all saints la kan...c ken, sepa ingat?? budak pengakap hohahaha

as much as i love dancing tho, dat awkwardness between the dancers & me's too great @_@

awkward awkward awkward...and TOMOROW ADA TRAINING!!!!! TT____TT

i hate being the newbie, seriously...plus, my sumazau makes sabahans erm..."proud"

karas, sumbang, ganjil,...erm...karas... (-_______-)

my awkwardness towards the group is bigger than my seriousness...adala kena buang ni nnt sebab....nda.....serious :D :D :D :D

i keep laughing at myself during previous training...trus....drg tgk ja aku ni dgn pandangan "kenapa budak ni?" hahahaaaa...lawak ba aku tgk diri ku ini d cermin 0_o yg...lawak ni... LOL

oh, dont get me started on my weight...the girls r SUUUUUPER SLIM & then BOOM. big ol fat me. iyah. thank u thank u!! ^____^

so hipotesisnya, jika hannah boring, maka dia kan merepek. sekian terima kasih.

i guess u can call dis....adulthood?

damn. my worries....urgh. i feel so bad, tired, angry, & useless. here's the thing. ya, ive been away to pahang for a good 3 years to experience some freedom dat i cudnt when in kk. dont missunderstand; i cud see the world clearer & i cud make decisions on my own. there were some downside to it coz im an idiot. making mistakes now & then. but free from ur comfort zone expands ur horizons a bit; knowing more things, seeing the "outside" world. & then, it ended when my diploma did. i was happy. or so i think...? i guess i was. i AM happy being around the people i love but i dunno. the security i feel when in here is weaker than the one im feeling when im elsewhere.

wat im trying to say is simply this; i dont see anything ahead in my life that's good for me here in kk than somewhere else where i think i might have a better chance. I DUNNO.

cant make up my mind. one minute, i dont wanna leave, & the next my mind wandered off on its own to somewhere else other than my home...here. its the feeling & my need of accomplishing something that i failed to feed. i feel so hopeless. work, my interest & hobbies, wat i like doing; i cant achieve them here.

wat im saying is still vague; i know. only i can understand this. but to put it simply, im in between to being responsible & being selfish.

i have to stay at home. i cant ABANDON my family now & they need me =/ a lot more than i can explain here. taula, semua org ada masalah keluarga. i cant always think of myself all the time; its time for me to give back to my family of when they weren't thinking of themselves for my benefit. i know that. i soooo know that. i was pleaded to stay here. ='(

but i cant shake the feeling that i can be something i want, or maybe even better, in another place =/ ive seen how my close friends had their opportunities literally thrown at them. & me? i dunno. just cant be patient. its back & forth all the time; my mind & heart changes. its always either two but neither one. kimak.

at times, i feel like my responsibility feels like a f*cking burden. other times, my selfishness makes me feel disgusted at my self.

extreme kan? dis is me. deal with it.

in this comfort zone; i'd have to depend on my parents. its not a choice. elsewhere, id have to depend on others too but maybe not as much as in the comfort zone. im able to move freely & make my own decisions as i go but its not like that here. i have to be independent while being dependent. maybe im asking too much. entah la.

both things are still playing around my head. to sacrifice my dreams? or to carry out dreams of my loved ones?

this isn't fair; both for my loved ones and me.

will i grow up & make a mature decision or grow up backwards & try to compensate what i haven't had?

hmm...decisions decisions...................

well there u go :D

NEW TEMPLATE!!!!!! not much tho, but id like it dat i finally settled on one. boy. RAMBANG MATA BUDU. muahahahhahahah!!!! i didnt now wat i want :D

might change it again LOL

(here is where i start writing SOLELY about my template scavenger hunt...mmg teda idea ngeehehe)

erhem! so, i didnt noe wat to choose at first, how i wanted my blog to look like. went to the usual graphic-cy ones at first, BUT THEY'RE BORING! & besides, my last template pun gitu juga rupa dia. went with something i cud put my vain picts in (o yeah, i hav tons of them) but i held back on dat thought entah napa; sumthing to do wit my perfectionist-afraid-to-make-a-mistake syndrome T______T went for the girly ones but.....eheh...im not wat u call a girly girl...i dont want my readers to get confused. MUAHAHA.

& so, i went wit sumthing dat suits with my old soul; bahahaha. ada kupi lg. dis is temporary i noe, nda lama ni...aku tukar lg ni tgk la.

before i go off, if its n0t too late, i wanna wish everyone a happy belated valentine's :D :D :D seems like everyone has sumthing to say bout dat particular day ;D & im going to read EACH & EVERY ONE OF THEM NOW!!

paning suda kan mencari template.

in need of a change again

blog aku ni mau kena renovate balik! it doesnt stimulate my rusty brain anymore; im back to malas-mau-update-blog-sebab-nanti-tulis-benda-teda-teda-yang-orang-tidak-akan-baca phase. tidak best. ya, the broadband went out for a while but it wouldnt make a difference. still wouldnt update :D

in a deeper note, maybe, I'M the one that's wanting a change :D in my life, myself, my mood (swing..), my facial wash (i like amy's neutrogena scrub!!) & my choice of food..yes hannah, no more lokans. even kerang is giving u an effect smpai hari ni. not an entire 180 degree of change, no! 25 kali, or just 50, so as to make me feel as comfortable as i can in my own skin. & i mean both medically & spiritually.

i dont wanna waste away, so that all i have left's my bitterness >( ho yah....i can be very very sour. everyone has problems, im sooooo not an execption; u should see my list (- -,) and if that isnt already worse, theres the occasional external noises interrupting the parade that is my life which are uncontrollable; & i wanna be prepared.

i realized that life may seem like a straight unknown road, but if i was paying enough attention, detours offer itselves once in a while if i or even anyone wants (or needs, in my case) a change. my utmost biggest fear, besides to panic at making mistakes, is knowing that i should give up; there's no hope for me at a certain situation, & ahead is just dark. see my problem? detour. definitely.

soooooooooo! im gonna change a bit of my perceptions & views again. stored up emotions arent healthy, regardless if its hatred or love; too much & u'll go blind..so u know wat happens next T_T i can only distract myself from remembering hurtful & painful things; so i need to collect sunshine here & there & put it somewhere as big as a luggage bag in case it rained :]









p.s/ i was thinking about this a lot while staying at amesz's hostel & reading new moon :D MYYYY I LOVE UR HOSTEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaha :D inpirasi ni ba keno ;)

trying to light a match

*grrr* i am seriously geram nda dpt upload gmbar. it's stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u know that feeling of annoyance & tension & anger & unaccomplished & pissed at the same time? gitula. rasa. dia.

probably other things has contributed to that. but that's another story. =/

i am mentally tired =( & the picts was supposed to turn my mind in peace but instead, TT_____TT ish. its was something dat i was looking forward to =(

hahh. u noe wat? i have dis habit of mine. im paranoid of wat people'll think towards anything i do. so, wat im gonna do now is say....i know wat ur thinking :D apa ba masalah perempuan ni kan muahahhahahah :D :D :D gmbar ja ba kaaaaaaaaan

but im a simpleton, simple things can cheer me up :)

& now, for the moment, hopefully blogger's photo uploader works, let's seeeeeeee getek picts of me muahahahahahahha :D :D :D


heheee i love my new jeans ^^ location : kasih sayang resort! i tried taking a picture of myself thru my own reflection in a mirror~ seemed liked a good idea. till i freaked myself out when the camera suddenly slow-shuttered (it hasnt before) & i already mentally prepared my apology speech for my dad for ruining his office cam (- -,) ngehehhh...but actually, woowww a discovery! bulih pulak di tmpat galap2 dia slow, tampat tarang2 inda!!! adidiiihhhh...neh palui~ i noe that this isnt even qualified to be called a good pict sebab dia gerak2 & shapeless but i like it ;) (^.^)v *peace!* I LIKE IT SO MUCH!


another one of my fav ^^ dis was at tjg aru beach! taken just recently, it was the usual keluaring & lepaking wit my loved ones =) present was amesz, raef, yohan, & lil bro ami!!! while ami was occupied smsing a mysterious lady sms-er & the others talking & laughing, kerana daku tidak dilayan, i took these picts using a timer & they turned out nice :D :D :D editted it a bit & combined them; peek-a-boo la kononnya..ngahahakk~! this is one of my effort to being an aspiring FARTographer. yeah. i edit pictures & im cool. NOT. =P =P =P


one word. NERDY!!!!!!!! woh mai gat. i didnt know i could still smile like this after form 3... ^___^ my dear momma took this picture & i tried to look all fiYyerce & pouty but she told me to smile & thus...this came out =) but after looking at it for a while, this pict's special to me ;) it was that one moment where i think a real part of me was taken in a pict ^^ me not trying to look pretty :D :D :D just smiling at the sight of me mamaaaa *awwwww* and she said, it was my most sincere smile ever ;)


presenting Hannah the Clown a.k.a. MJ...LOL! baaaahahahaha!!! well now, the letters MJ means something else to me *erhem*, & it is ALL me. i created it, i made it, & i am IT. (well, the maciks & anggota came wit the nickname :D) for those who know me well knows wat im talking about :D the monumental moment of my life was the 1 minute & 30 seconds during the maleks new year gathering :D :D :D at the catwalk competition..........i was.......& am.......& always will be......the....MODEL JULING. terima kasih. wanna see the vid?? *my mama took dis pict..love u mama!!*




did i run out of pictures.........? yes i did (- -,) this is it for now, but im soooooooooo gonna write some more & post more pictures!!! depends on those lightbulb ideas of course ^^ they come & go ya noe *ive been staying at home too long...sigh* ahah! this did cheer me up! ;) if u did read dis post, id like to say thank u (really) for spending ur time to read my spoiled-bratty post; if u didnt, its okay. im still AWESOME. eheeeeeh. u noe u love me :D :D :D :D

till theeeen. byebyeeeeeeeeeeeeee.












wait. dont tell me the only way i can show those pictures are thru uploading them in blogger?? that's insane. byknya tuuuuu. amy, tggu ah, bodoh ba broadband ni skrg klu nda, cni ja ni aku upload. ym pun palui :D :D :D