Empathy.

Before speaking of your own misery, listen to others' first.

You may have it bad, but other people can too, in fact they could actually be going through the SAME thing that you're going through.

Don't be so hasty in thinking that you are the only one suffering. And you sure as heck can't clear your conscience, i don't know what's causing you that guilt, by justifying that YOU WENT THROUGH WORST. So, what I went through, doesn't matter? I still suffered. What am I supposed to do with that feeling?

Sooner or later, it'll make me want to shut you OUT.

freedom. in a cage.

gahh. im lost. confused. don't know what to do. don't know where i'm heading. & i don't really have the right people to guide me here. hellooooooooooo...mak ai.

i need to be given advices at times, not the one to give them all the time. i need the one to be listened to, not the one that has to listen. WAIT! i am not seeking for attention nor am i one selfish bitch, i'm just asking for some slack. you know. lemme breath for a while. whoo.

i wanna be able to ask a question and people to answer me truthfully. not based on their own importance. such as, should i go to danum? yes, coz ur mopping 'round the house, u look miserable. instead of, no *miserable face* adeh.

if i'm not allowed to do what i want, then when will i be able to? aren't my despair *sorry, feeling a lil vocabularic" a thing to pay attention to before they turn to regrets & i'll never forgive you for that...like, EVER? justice...I NEED JUSTICE!!!!!!!!

i've changed. I'VE CHANGED. i've always been a person who doesn't like to be tied down, like waaaaaaaay down, that i can literally taste the grass, and right now, that has evolved i guess. i do NOT want to belong to anybody. repeat, ANYBODY. i am sooooooo a husband to a certain person right now. gila eh.

i have things that i want. & to be understood of the things that i want. im running out of time here. there's things that i wanna achieve. things i wanna do. things i dream of. lemme emphasize, dream. just cause you were robbed of yours, doesn't mean that it has to be the same for me =(

so i'm just gonna sit here & watch people surpass me? jeez. okay, hannah the fat, silly, funny, laughs at herself a lot, does have pride & ego ok. HUGE ones. some just don't realize. even worse, *waaarrghh* i do not wanna say the "c" word.

so, how long am i gonna stay here? i have to say that this is not a bad place; sheltered, protected, secured, carefree....blah blah blah. wanna know what happens if i try to get out? i get FED. i was fed so much till i can't move. seriously. if u think a little bit deeper, i think you'd know what i mean, its "bribery". or however you see it. i just...*sigh* aduuuuuuuyay.

you can't be happy when these thoughts still come to your mind. you can't be at peace when you haven't felt that self-satisfaction yet. my desires, my passion....bila? when? you CAN'T feel freedom in cage. that's BULLSHIT.

I speak in cryptic words :D :D :D :D :D :D

I tend to express the opposite of what I actually feel by justifying it with something artificial & forced. So as to compensate & overtake the emotion that I was actually feeling. Only occasionally that I really say what I wanna say.

I know, been listening to My Chemical Romance.






>______________________<

yippee

WAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







i can't stand this. i am so not comprehended right now, i'm like a foreign language to some people. im confusing. im baffling.











WEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!











im losing my mind here. urgh.













ok i whine. BITE ME.

dude, do not shake the bottle. seriously.

being nice really just gives u issues huh? woookay.

u know how my post usually starts with stuff like,

"Im feeling kind of............"

"It's just so sad................"

"Im so angry that............."

"Im stressed out......."

"Syam is so hot........"

oops.



that last sentence.....probably was the first time i write it here =D

couldn't resist LMAO!!




nakal! :P *distracted for a good 10 minutes*







ERHEM.


i think i've mentioned it before too, when trying to not be a pain in someone's ass, it brings pain into ur own ass. T_T aye, sad but true. that seems to be like a theme for my life. im cursed. for a whole lifetime.

i have like a trivial & complicated issue with a certain someone whom i do not wanna mention. i wanna forget the whole thing, we're supposed to be close, heck, we're flesh & blood. but, that person dissapointed & hurt me so badly, i couldn't even talk it out with him/her. *i wanna keep this person anonymous.*

i've wrote about this person before in my previous posts. and i kept how i felt & my thoughts to myself as it feels disgusting even on my tounge to talk about it. I REALLY CAN'T! that indifferent face & nonchalant behaviour really from him/her puts me down. that person knew what he/she had done to me but it seems like he/she doesn't care.

seeing as how talking won't get anywhere anyways, i tried to swallow everything & forget about it. but when something so strong is bottled up in u, it is bound to leak its way out of ur heart. i am human nonetheless. i do have feelings.

so, that person went & did some things that really2 pisses me off & those kept emotions of mine arised. if it hasn't anything to do with what happened in the past, its okay. the thing is, it HAS something to do with it. undoubtedly, i guess that person really does not understand what im going thru. =(

penat. really penat with this. im tired of compromising. with me refusing to not come clean with u, im doing u one BIG FAT FAVOUR. im sparing u the guilt that u should've felt due to ur own actions. im burdening my own self carrying this heavy bottle containing of ur wrong doings to me, so shouldn't it be like a silent mutual thing? u r the MATURE ONE.

so dude...................do not shake the bottle. seriously.

must...keep...eyes...open.....

i haven't slept since my last post. since last night. since 9pm last night. slept for only an hour & a half people. & now im at WAR.

i cannot sleep. i absolutely cannot let myself sleep.

1. im not at home.

2. im at a cc in center. friggin' long story.

remember that jinx i mentioned in my previous post? as expected....no tarian. gee, that just makes it easier for me to leave for danum then huh? bye bye tarian. stayed my ass awake for nothing. oh shoot me. anyone please.

when i just planned to sleep my ass off, at 7am my mom announced,

"Let's go to gaya street with uncle shahrin & the family!"

wokay, that sounds ok. a few hours is ok i guess. then maybe i can sleep after that.

we.....eventually left the house at nearly 10am. ok, i can still hold on. boleh ba ni. more than 12 hours awake. i can handle this.

k, chapter 2.

i couldnt send my spm results to my uncle (waaahhh what a surprise) so had to meet up with my cousin d cp. & i had (or so i thought) training at 2pm in asia city. since i was already in kk, went to gaya street with the shahrin clan, so i thought it was a good idea to stay in kk. i wont be able to wake up if i went home & have a little nap. what was i thinking? dammit. wat. was. i. thinking.

2pm. studio. EMPTY. maybe it was naive of me to expect that they would inform me if there was no training. maybe i was just supposed to know when there was no training. like mind reading. @_@

so i am stuck here in kk, more than 20 hours being awake, waiting for my parents to pick me up while they're in tuaran with the shahrin family.

my insomnia's starting to get really serious now. i mean, it wouldnt matter much that me not having enough sleep causes me fatigue & all, coz if i was informed & told of what i need to know, dis wouldn't have to happen.

if i was really dancing, dis is nothing. ive done this before. but seriously, this the most terrible day of my LIFE. nope, its not when i broke up with whats-his-face, its not when i see her & him in front of me & my so-called friends stayed static, it is THIS. im totally babbling. dammit im sleepy.

nasib la cousin ku ada tau. haih.

klu nda, basah ni keyboard kena air liur basi. hm. sekian, terima kasih.

Turmoil strikes again. Argh.

hello. im going to babble.

im so stressed out i feel like i can speak german. LOCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCHHH SHEERERRRRRRKKKKHHHHH TU BAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *kasi gegar2 tekak*

T_T

okay. isi pertama.

i went for an interview with yayasan sabah last monday, for the post of this secretariat thingy la. i didnt even noe wat i was interviewing for until i...was..interviewed :P & so, i got good feedback from the interviewers regarding my results & resume compare to the one dat was full of shit with STB. it made me feel elated & a bit happy la. sepa nda happy kena recognize gitu?

ok. then, they told me, my place was in Danum or Maliyau, where all the tourism activities r better compare to the ones in kk. instead of interviewing me for the actual post in yayasan sabah tu, they were suggesting me to go to danum & telling me how good it was.

the lady said "sayang oh experience ko ni"

2nd lady "fits better dgn ko pnya background & apa yg ko buat time praktikal ko"

cute dude wit gorgeous dimples "sana byk jugak officer perempuan tu. so its safe for a girl"

whew. dude, wit ur looks, u can say cow dung taste good & i'll believe u :D :D :D :D

erhem. back to me being depressed.

so, it made me consider bout going there; the offer was tempting. the job was perfect & i know i'll enjoy wat i'll be doing. all i had to do was contact the ladies (& hopefully the dude :P) & i can go there whenever i want!!!!!!!

but, thing is, ive already started doing things here in kk :( im taking a takaful insurance exam soon dat my uncle sponsered for & im already in a dance group even tho i havent performed yet.

me going to danum or maliyau wud mean me abondoning those things; its not as terrible as it sounds, but i have already agreed to my uncle's request on helping him build up dis takaful branch, & he has full confidence on me.

im new to the dance group, & im lucky i already have a placing in at least 2 of the dances, & I was the one who wanted to be in it so badly, i was the one looking for them & suddenly, i bail?

*sigh*

i dont wanna look back & remembered dat i regretted something. i dont wanna be looking back at something i wanted to do but didnt. & so i held that thought; i wanted to still think about it. i havent made up my mind yet after the interview, i waited untill when i can discuss it wit my parents.

right.

here's the second one.

i wasn't allowed to go to danum. (?????????????????????????????????????)

watha.......?

ok. im being a bad daughter & wat not, so BITE ME.

after the interview, i told my dad bout the danum thing. & dat i think me, my mom & him should discuss about it at home. i thought, i was allowed to make my own decisions. i thought, the reason i did not take up my degree so soon was that so i can take better opportunities outside a campus.

i thought........didnt it......? wasnt it dis?? HELLO?????????????????????

my mom & dad did discuss. wit themselves. while i was happily sleeping & oblivious. when i woke up, it hurts to see that they reached a decision without hearing me out. i was given the "pleading tone" again that i hate so much.

"but in danum...."

"u wont be able to dance..."

"hannah suda start sini ba kan..."

i wasnt given a choice. i knew wat it all meant. one parent dropping the subject, another parent convincing me to stay. i feel kinda betrayed dat i didnt even get to have a say in this matter. i feel so angry & stressed out that my decision & wat i wanted seems like it doesnt matter.

so i rebelled. i still stood my ground bout considering danum. it was harsh, but it was what i wanted. confused as i am on wat choice i would make, i didnt want anyone to make my choice for me untill i asked for it.

but i guess i wasnt the only one who wouldn't give up.

"hannah, kerjala d kk. **** mau hannah kerja d sini" dis is still ok.

"i want to see u dance" danum. im still thinking but danum.

"if i couldn't dance, im happy to see u" im not changing my mind.

"all the macik2 pun bangga tu tgk hannah"

oooooohhhhh PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE LAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we're using relatives now? dat me leaving just to work in danum effects the whole entire family tree now??????????????????????????????????????

kill me.

isi ketiga.

i dont wanna be tied down. though i occasionally miss the feeling of having a significant other, im single & happy. i do not wanna have that much of a commitment yet when ur making decisions for two. when anything u do, means dat ur doing it together.

but seriously. i feel like im married with my family. the way i see it, it doesnt have to be dis much. i have to be responsible towards my family, i noe dat, but not up to a point where i feel SUFFOCATED. wat was the point of making me go to pahang & let me learn independence, & then putting me 3 steps backwards? why?

dis is a feeling i do NOT need at the moment. can anyone see that? im not 12. in the end, it wasnt about danum. its about what i want. i probably wouldnt go to danum if i was actually given the time to think about it. i noe im selfish but i am of age to do dat, aren't i? i do not want to be forced into doing something. i wanna be able to make my own decisions.

i want to LIVE. *sigh* i cant please everyone.

compromise? not in my vocabs at the moment

in nature, i am a happy go lucky person. im always happy. happy happy happy happy happy. like im always smiling the whole time. nothing can break me.

WRONG.

being angry cant be associated wit me at all; im always called THE NICE ONE, THE GOOD ONE, well newsflash.

I CAN GET IRRITATED

i can be agitated

my cup of coffee can get stirred

i can be angry

no one seems to take me seriously

& till dat time comes, which i think never will,

im gonna go on a rampage if i feel like it

i dont like it i'll say something

IM HUMAN

not some comfort shoulder to ease up ur guilt or anything, please

i haven't said this in a while

I HATE EVERYTHING AT THE MOMENT

makes pregnant women like saints compare to my mood swings.

AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!

damn. cant enjoy my lambchop. upperstar babi.