Turmoil strikes again. Argh.

hello. im going to babble.

im so stressed out i feel like i can speak german. LOCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCHHH SHEERERRRRRRKKKKHHHHH TU BAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *kasi gegar2 tekak*

T_T

okay. isi pertama.

i went for an interview with yayasan sabah last monday, for the post of this secretariat thingy la. i didnt even noe wat i was interviewing for until i...was..interviewed :P & so, i got good feedback from the interviewers regarding my results & resume compare to the one dat was full of shit with STB. it made me feel elated & a bit happy la. sepa nda happy kena recognize gitu?

ok. then, they told me, my place was in Danum or Maliyau, where all the tourism activities r better compare to the ones in kk. instead of interviewing me for the actual post in yayasan sabah tu, they were suggesting me to go to danum & telling me how good it was.

the lady said "sayang oh experience ko ni"

2nd lady "fits better dgn ko pnya background & apa yg ko buat time praktikal ko"

cute dude wit gorgeous dimples "sana byk jugak officer perempuan tu. so its safe for a girl"

whew. dude, wit ur looks, u can say cow dung taste good & i'll believe u :D :D :D :D

erhem. back to me being depressed.

so, it made me consider bout going there; the offer was tempting. the job was perfect & i know i'll enjoy wat i'll be doing. all i had to do was contact the ladies (& hopefully the dude :P) & i can go there whenever i want!!!!!!!

but, thing is, ive already started doing things here in kk :( im taking a takaful insurance exam soon dat my uncle sponsered for & im already in a dance group even tho i havent performed yet.

me going to danum or maliyau wud mean me abondoning those things; its not as terrible as it sounds, but i have already agreed to my uncle's request on helping him build up dis takaful branch, & he has full confidence on me.

im new to the dance group, & im lucky i already have a placing in at least 2 of the dances, & I was the one who wanted to be in it so badly, i was the one looking for them & suddenly, i bail?

*sigh*

i dont wanna look back & remembered dat i regretted something. i dont wanna be looking back at something i wanted to do but didnt. & so i held that thought; i wanted to still think about it. i havent made up my mind yet after the interview, i waited untill when i can discuss it wit my parents.

right.

here's the second one.

i wasn't allowed to go to danum. (?????????????????????????????????????)

watha.......?

ok. im being a bad daughter & wat not, so BITE ME.

after the interview, i told my dad bout the danum thing. & dat i think me, my mom & him should discuss about it at home. i thought, i was allowed to make my own decisions. i thought, the reason i did not take up my degree so soon was that so i can take better opportunities outside a campus.

i thought........didnt it......? wasnt it dis?? HELLO?????????????????????

my mom & dad did discuss. wit themselves. while i was happily sleeping & oblivious. when i woke up, it hurts to see that they reached a decision without hearing me out. i was given the "pleading tone" again that i hate so much.

"but in danum...."

"u wont be able to dance..."

"hannah suda start sini ba kan..."

i wasnt given a choice. i knew wat it all meant. one parent dropping the subject, another parent convincing me to stay. i feel kinda betrayed dat i didnt even get to have a say in this matter. i feel so angry & stressed out that my decision & wat i wanted seems like it doesnt matter.

so i rebelled. i still stood my ground bout considering danum. it was harsh, but it was what i wanted. confused as i am on wat choice i would make, i didnt want anyone to make my choice for me untill i asked for it.

but i guess i wasnt the only one who wouldn't give up.

"hannah, kerjala d kk. **** mau hannah kerja d sini" dis is still ok.

"i want to see u dance" danum. im still thinking but danum.

"if i couldn't dance, im happy to see u" im not changing my mind.

"all the macik2 pun bangga tu tgk hannah"

oooooohhhhh PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE LAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we're using relatives now? dat me leaving just to work in danum effects the whole entire family tree now??????????????????????????????????????

kill me.

isi ketiga.

i dont wanna be tied down. though i occasionally miss the feeling of having a significant other, im single & happy. i do not wanna have that much of a commitment yet when ur making decisions for two. when anything u do, means dat ur doing it together.

but seriously. i feel like im married with my family. the way i see it, it doesnt have to be dis much. i have to be responsible towards my family, i noe dat, but not up to a point where i feel SUFFOCATED. wat was the point of making me go to pahang & let me learn independence, & then putting me 3 steps backwards? why?

dis is a feeling i do NOT need at the moment. can anyone see that? im not 12. in the end, it wasnt about danum. its about what i want. i probably wouldnt go to danum if i was actually given the time to think about it. i noe im selfish but i am of age to do dat, aren't i? i do not want to be forced into doing something. i wanna be able to make my own decisions.

i want to LIVE. *sigh* i cant please everyone.