damn. my worries....urgh. i feel so bad, tired, angry, & useless. here's the thing. ya, ive been away to pahang for a good 3 years to experience some freedom dat i cudnt when in kk. dont missunderstand; i cud see the world clearer & i cud make decisions on my own. there were some downside to it coz im an idiot. making mistakes now & then. but free from ur comfort zone expands ur horizons a bit; knowing more things, seeing the "outside" world. & then, it ended when my diploma did. i was happy. or so i think...? i guess i was. i AM happy being around the people i love but i dunno. the security i feel when in here is weaker than the one im feeling when im elsewhere.
wat im trying to say is simply this; i dont see anything ahead in my life that's good for me here in kk than somewhere else where i think i might have a better chance. I DUNNO.
cant make up my mind. one minute, i dont wanna leave, & the next my mind wandered off on its own to somewhere else other than my home...here. its the feeling & my need of accomplishing something that i failed to feed. i feel so hopeless. work, my interest & hobbies, wat i like doing; i cant achieve them here.
wat im saying is still vague; i know. only i can understand this. but to put it simply, im in between to being responsible & being selfish.
i have to stay at home. i cant ABANDON my family now & they need me =/ a lot more than i can explain here. taula, semua org ada masalah keluarga. i cant always think of myself all the time; its time for me to give back to my family of when they weren't thinking of themselves for my benefit. i know that. i soooo know that. i was pleaded to stay here. ='(
but i cant shake the feeling that i can be something i want, or maybe even better, in another place =/ ive seen how my close friends had their opportunities literally thrown at them. & me? i dunno. just cant be patient. its back & forth all the time; my mind & heart changes. its always either two but neither one. kimak.
at times, i feel like my responsibility feels like a f*cking burden. other times, my selfishness makes me feel disgusted at my self.
extreme kan? dis is me. deal with it.
in this comfort zone; i'd have to depend on my parents. its not a choice. elsewhere, id have to depend on others too but maybe not as much as in the comfort zone. im able to move freely & make my own decisions as i go but its not like that here. i have to be independent while being dependent. maybe im asking too much. entah la.
both things are still playing around my head. to sacrifice my dreams? or to carry out dreams of my loved ones?
this isn't fair; both for my loved ones and me.
will i grow up & make a mature decision or grow up backwards & try to compensate what i haven't had?
hmm...decisions decisions...................
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