insomnia & solitude...NOT GOOD

dammit...y did i have the urge to wake up after only sleeping for an hour...AN HOUR...as far as i remembered, i even sacrificed my "super duper supper" to go to dreamland, including the regular stay-ups with my younger siblings to find out what really happened to sasuke after he chased after the wind thingy group...did gaara became not kawaii anymore? hooh dat arm...did naruto & the rest got the chance to catch up wit sasuke?....

hoookay. its a habit of mine. i follow lights. :D :D :D :D :D

erhem. so i skipped supper & watching naruto till the morn, my two ultimatest syiokest favouritest activity of the day ever, & end up waking up to myself & dis laptop, while everyone's asleep & left me alone >( to make it worse, i cannot go back to sleep *whines*

not fun. not fun at all. sepa suruuuuh. uwaa. my comrades (my adik-adik) followed suit to their general (me) as they found me sleeping, they did the same too. u guys were loyal, so i'll forgive u T________________________T

my optimistic side tells me that dis isn't all dat bad, besides, the evil cockroaches do not seem keen to flying up my head; instead crawling up & down my cabinet. probably coz i had previously worn expired hair spray. hehe. accidently. booyah!! 1-0 for me vs mr. roach.

this situation though can really get u paranoid at times. JEEZ!! the stuff dat comes to ur head!!! i read ms. inden's post (ngehe) & i came across a word dat sent a jolt to my otak right here & probably added raisins to the fruitcake,

" CLOSET "

oh dear. oh dear oh dear oh dear. & so, having quite a collection of skeletons & who knows what in my own beloved closet, they came out to play =/

thank goodness im still in an indifferent mood now, i can look at them skeletons calmly & in proturberance. *sigh* i realized now more than ever dat having dat big of a closet have turned me into a berangin person. cant sweep stuff under the rug all the time hannah.

i realized dat i've turned into an unpredictable person where i keep too much stuff & do not know what to do with them but put on a happy face. 24 hours of 7 days of a week in 1 month. all year long.

& during unexpected times where i suddenly think about it, i burst, not considering the people around me at times.

mind u, its not dat i intentionally do not wanna tell, its my nature. its been my nature since i was born; to not be someone who verbalizes well. i think i've improved over the years. i do have the most AMAYYYZAZINGG people around me, my best friends & family & anggota; but....i have yet to duel with my own demons. goodness. im starting to scare myself :D :D :D :D

& i think its this absurd, disgusting, absolutely not cool KEEP-SILENT-PLEASE culture dat exist here in my environment, dat has been contributing a lot to my uncool condition. seriously, ur cramping my style.

thus, in conclusion, this is what not being able to sleep & the only one awake can do to me, occasionally~ still not a good combination. its eating cheesecake & drinking Cola at the same time. can u imagine what u'll barf out? MUAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! hehe~

i'll retire for now, from dis post at least, there's a chance dat i'll probably write another post. ngehehe. untill then, i owe a dance to dis skeletons-coming-out-of-the-closet feeling. & mr. roach's approaching my territory. fast. *grabs newspaper*

Meet Johnny Smooth

HAHA!! hehehehheheeeeehehehhehehheh

okay. dis guy is uncanny for words. i like him :D :D :D :D enough said. take him seriously people. READ. READING'S COOL.



however mr johnny, i do not want u in my fav bookstore. nu uh. no how. I'll still read Enid Blyton no matter what u say :D :D :D :D :D

10 random thoughts for the night

1. Hair conditioner contributes to pimples & acne.
2. Why is there bunga manggar in my room?
3. Peanut butter goes well with chocolate rice. & coloured sugar. & cinnamon powder. & bread.
   
4. Do not underestimate Martha Stewart.
   
5. Pushing yourself is like........pushing your own damn self. You know you won't go anywhere.
6. Hi,I'm 9.
7. Be repulsive. Be, be, repulsive.
8. Please. That's what I do. PLEASE.
9. I have a pair of 8 year old socks. neh.
   
10. "womanizer womanizer ur a womanizer oh! womanizer oh! womanizer oh! baby U U U U! U U U U!"

Seriously, I'm bored :D

woohhh selamat pagi........

my head feels like crap~

i didn't have much sleep the day before yesterday


*or...yesterday...?*


thanks to naruto episode 1 till 20 :P :P :P :P


*datebayyyooooooo!!!!*


slept at 8 in the morn


*hmm...kemarin la ni hehe*


woke up at 12, because kazen2ku minta bgun dan menyuruh turun ke cp "MARILA KITANI BETUMPILAKAN D CP!!!!!" T______________________T hehehhehehe another fav brunai word of mine.....betumpilakan...means, beramburan tahap berambur yg amat dasyat dan sangat. secara bida. haa. atutah ya. hehehhehehhe.

ERHEM!! back to my head feeling crappy...sepatutnya la..blik dri bekeluaran dgn kazen2...OH YAAAHHH!!!! kami ada.....NAMA...da malekz heheheheheh like a tribute & rememberance towards our hero, our late grandpa Haji Abdul Malek =)) & not just him actually, all of our relatives =)))

hm. offside.

annnnyyywaaaayyyyys..


*i dont have much time here...capat ba hannahhhh!!!!*


sepatutnya it was supposedly actually & really, jumpa, kumpul with everyone nden watch movie & everyone can go home peacefully & happy. zahir (the goodbye-boy) was leaving to johor


*bru td..uwaaaaaaa ='(*


& farewell la kira. nden, ada org emo & bawa bejamming secara spontan dimana org2 yg berlainan aliran minatan muziknya...telah..dipaksa...main. smpai migrain ni urg.

trus2!! mau blk suda la...half of the malekz suda blk


*uwaaaaaaaa*


trus ada perasaan yg bida muncul di hati beta ini....


*yg bila ko keluar kan, yg teda2 ni ba...mcm teda fungsi ko kuar ni.....*


tanpa menghiraukan kepala ku yg suda berdenyut2, aku ingin makan dan tgk movie. tidak mau blk. rupa2nya, kazen2 ku yg lain pun merasakan sedemikian :D


*wathaa...........*


erhem. so, we ate, talked & watched yes man & went home at 12 :D :D :D


*YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*


soooo...smpai rumah......internet ok suda kan....yg malakat d laptop ni namau tidur...there was totally NOTHING i could do at the time, but i wanted to jugak...buat...something......tgkla...smpai 2 ni post aku last night


*ngeheh....*


time mau gerak p katil kan, my walk was wobbly2 eyesight pun mcm betambah ni ba degree kerabunan. neh. sepa suruh.

sekali bangun.....

I CANT EVEN OPEN MY EYES RIGHT.

hastagaaaaaaaaa....

ba tu ja.

a song to myself

its a bit bittersweet but, here it is, as a reminder to self~

the kooks, ooh la....~~~~

In their eyes is the place that you finally discovered
That you love it here, you've got to stay
On the bottom of the rock, an island
On which you find you love, then you twitch
You felt that itch in your pettycoat
Your pretty pretty pettycoat

And then you smiled he got wild
You didn't understand that there's money to be made
Beauty is a card that must get played
By organizations

And ooh la, she was such a good girl to me
And ooh la, the world just chewed her up, and spat her out
And ooh la, she was such a good girl to me
And ooh la, the world just chewed her up, and spat her out

The world can be a very big place
So be yourself don't get out of place
Love your man and love him twice
Go to Hollywood and pay the price
Oh go to Hollywood

And don't be a star, it's such a drag
Take care of yourself, don't begin to lag
It's a hard life to live, so live it well
I'll be your friend, and not in pretend
I know you girl
In all situations

But ooh la, she was such a good girl to me
And ooh la, the world just chewed her up, and spat her out
And ooh la, she was such a good girl to me
And ooh la, the world just chewed her up, and spat her out

if a brain has a refresh button :D

i think my brain is experiencing a burnout...due to exessive overthinking, NOT thinking, thinking of benda teda2, thinking of things not to think about & knowing it, thinking of thinking, & just pretty much everything that has to with thinking. adidihh.

now i dunno wat to think anymore. o________________________________0

*iyah...ngaaaaaam*

is dis one of wat december's supposed to do wit people? :D mcm...throughout the year, u did dis, did dat, went thru dis, went thru dat, & then its a bit numb in the end...? tus yg...blank sikit~*



*does dis make sense? bah...monologue...MONO....LOGUE...*



or or!! is it an automatic reaction coz i finished studying?? :D :D

i feel like there's something really missing here. in me. & i just cant pin the tail on the donkey. i cant pin the donkey. at all. erm, ok hate me, but i was more satisfied with myself before; i feel productive. now i feel like a vegetable. an eggplant to be exact. a friggin' eggplant. vat iz zis...? i feel like im not doing enough. i feel like my brain's facing a lag or something. like a malfunction or something. wait. ni suda psychological ka ni? dont tell me :D :D therapists?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!



*pnyala~ tolong la...teda2 ni ba...*


becaaaauuuussseee of dis problem, im not able to do things & i kinda let opportunities & stuff wave me goodbye T_________________T coz u dont noe wat to think. ur blurred out most of the time. & almost confused. errrmm..confused la berabis jugak, nda almost hehehe..


*sigh*


atu tah. if only a brain has a refresh button. my brain definitely needs it. ngggeeeehh~!! untill then. tata. the eggplant needs baja. supaya dia subuuuurrr. ha....ha...hadui. ;P

*drool*

Feast ur eyes on Zach Condon *screams*, the vocalist & the backbone of a group called Beirut!!!! Dis terribly handsome ciggarette puffing stud writes all the songs for the band & can play almost ALL the instruments in the 10-piece band. u name it. trumpet!! violin!!! talk about a one-man band... *drooling&menghayaling*

i have been (really) obsessing bout the band (or maybe Zach!!) for quite some time now *clears throat* & i find their music really2 different & just wat i needed at the time. melancholy, poetic, thearatical, inspiring & just absolutely BEAUTIFUL. dis guy describes a sort of sadness & bliss, twist it with pop, a bit of indie, shakes it wit europe-ish melodies & adds some balkan spice. *closetofainting* i am intrigued with cultural, ethnic, celtic & world music, & to listen in a totally different way as beirut does their music really in a way made me feel like...i wasnt alone? ;)

AND THE LOOKS OF THIS GUY!!!! zach in my opinion is when edward scissorhands learned how to sing... o_0 charismatic, unique, & hauntingly sexy T_______________T & dat dreamy & sultry voice of his...u could be dumped by a guy & forget bout it the moment u hear his voice..haaaaaaaaaahhhh gilak...hehehe

i was actually yearning for something new, something dat could relate to an undescribable side of me; i did, halfway when i discovered tribal style bellydance (dat'll be in the next post~) & finally like an inner starvation & hunger in me had met its savior, comes beirut & dis dude, ZACH.. *faints* their music completes me ;) now, dis vid of their live street peformance for the "Take Away Show" & most of it is really spontaneous, where they play, & wat songs they play. WATCH!!




heheheh. do not underestimate these guys, they do not seem like the coolest underground band dat u wanna brag to ur friends upon discovering them (so as to make u the hebattest rock person ever), but they've played alongside the likes of mars volta mind u. dan yg seangkatan dgnnya. but i prefer them la. :D :D :D :D

I LOVE BEIRUT!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!

oooooh IPMB LAB~!!! goodness :D

gilaaaa....a SIGMA-ALDRICH weighing 1 kg is staring at me man. seriously. o____0

oooooohhh wats dat....? petroleaum ethal. staga. apala fungsi dia tu ah :D :D :D

o gosh. MACROPIPETTE. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eppendorf...nama ka lgi tu ah...mcm yg rectum anal tempreture checker thingy yg kena sumbat d boooooty ni ba. adeehh

eh nah. kedapatan oleh amy. petroleum ethal tu petroleum ether dia bilang. ooooh.

nalin. apaituh? nalin dia bilang. nahh....WHHHHOOOAAA!!!! check dis out....potassium dihydrogen phosphate, dalam bm....kalium dihidrogen fosfat. mesti dihidrogen tu kena pronounce "deeheedrojen"....

ahahahahahaha ni jar ba kena label J.T. Baker...justin timberlake jd baker & came up with ammonium molybdate 4-hydrate, crystal...ngahahahhaha

im lame. LAME. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

new template~!!! =D

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

new templaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

i liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike

i so so liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

simple mimple, blueish, a bit graphic-ish, JUST THE WAY I WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whooyeahh...

it meant a lot la jugak to change my template ngehehe

my posts's been nothing short of depressing so i need some sort of motivation to write a much "broader" range of topics & stuff

not the same ol thing~

its for my own good jugak, narrating helps me keep my brain alive, while mengangguring at the moment!!

& it doesn't giv much justice to the peeps dat r following my blog to just merepek benda2 teda ni ba

hohohohoh I APPRECIATE IT!!!!!! AMESZ!!! JIEY!!!! PHEADRA!!! YUQ!!!!! I WILL DO MY BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o_0

may the force be with me!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*feeling dat titanic moment where leo shouts "im on top of the world"*

i even changed my blog tittle!!!!

i mean, to really like label myself & put a certain tittle about the things im gonna write in my blog, IS HARD. REALLY HARD. im still soul-searching here so HANNAH'S BLOG is just fine =) ngehe...i realized dat i really2 HATE girl in bliss~ erm coz i dont wanna be dat girl no more...im just hannah laaaaah yg perut bergas kuat sendawa ituhhh dan makan burger lambat...!!!!

ngehehehheehehehhehe

wahhh puas hati~MUAHAHHAHAHH!!!!

yaaaaiiiiyaaaaiiiyaaaaaaiiii

duusssshh tumbuk muka sendiri. hmmmmmmmmm 18 till 21 haribulan nnt ba kan...im supposed to be a tour guide......yg buat tu itinerary.............yg urus transport........yg kena bawa drg makan...........yg kena ikut apa drg mau tp still kena suruh2.......yg kena buat new itinerary everyday sbb.....drg nda paham.....kenapa.....aku.....buat....gitu......mcm............teda fungsi sebenarnya aku utk drg.......ku buat itinerary drg tukar tus susun2 (?????) tus......pastu.....APALA? supaya drg nda sesat ja?

uinaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.....UIIIIIINNNNAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH......UI TO THE NAH!!!!!!!!!!
UINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

k...ni ayat besa la kan...tp mmg ni ba....parents aku pun nda pernah kasi susah aku mcm ni la kan....klu......lecturer....nda pa jugak....its their job to b a pain in the ass...to students i mean........my mom's a lecturer hehehhehehehhehehehehheh....

STRESS!!!

STRESS!!!

STRRRREEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!

i msged her saying dat i'll only take care of their transportation, n the rest i wont be involved with. tus, dia jawab balik,

"dgn ape? u mean dinner & lunch tu semua?"

mcm tubal pulak org ni kan. astaga. dia mcm nda pernah belajar tourism mgt selama 3 tahun ni ba. pdhal..............mmg dia suda 3rd year ni........BA.......

My To-do List

1. Catch up with old friends
2. Catch up with old friends
3. Catch up with old friends
4. Catch up with old friends
5. Catch up with old friends
6. Catch up with old friends
7. find Me...who I am
8. Catch up with old friends
9. Catch up with old friends
10. Catch up with old friends

oh........great...........................

just as i was trying to cheer myself up, ada ja benda yg came up.....
































i feel shitty............................................
































ih.............................................................

HOME SWEET HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

huuuuuuhuhuhuuhu...dis got me excited maaan :D :D :D despite ni laptop nda buli download my ultimate fav photo editor photoscape, pas2 aku teda tu biji kelentit bluetooth thingy to transfer my picts, AKU MASI BESEMANGAT!!!!! heeeeehehehe....adala jua tu picnik.com & my rm1.71 crdt...mms~~~....hahhahahahhaha....

now, notice i didnt do justice for dis pict...i tried my very best gillaaaa xD photoscape tedaaahhh...yeah my title says home sweet home, but i wasnt at home yet! dis was wen i visited sofie in riana green, kl & belle was there too!!!!! seriously, it felt as close as home ;) these are my BEST FRIENDS!! they hav been for the last 7 years ok....SEVEN...YEARS...distance never was an issue =)) i figured dat i really2 wanted 2 see sofie since she wont be coming to kk dis year...but, in my hugest regret, i wished i planned it sooner ='( i came wen the next day was my flight back 2 kk ='(((( i only spent 15 hours wit these gals, minus 6 hours of sleep...but still, IT MADE ME SO HAPPY!!!!! :D we cooked bfast...menu besa d rumah sofie,

1. canned corn

2. baked beans

3. fish/chicken nuggets

yahh...time tu, semua ada :D :D :D ohh!! plus some new things ngeheee...sofie craved for some pancakes~~~~ oohh yummy...nden cornbeef, nden hashbrown...i was bloated smpai malam ni ba hehehhe...nden sofie puts on the movie "Chicago" yg ada renee zelwegger n catherine zeta jones...PUNYA BEST!!!! i miss those times where all of us wud just sit down & watch a movie & talk bout it...erhem!!! sweetest thing, for example... :D & the most sweetest thing dat sofie did was she took of one of her slippers first to stop a door from closing coz she forgot her keycard!! heheh cian~ so she walked me to the cab...without a slipper...she gav up minutes later taking both her slippers off =') time d elevator ni c belle "UISH!!! NDA AMBIL GMBAR PUN!!!!" hence d pict =)))))) i love these gurls so much & it was just wat i needed at the time...to be with them ngehehehhe! IM MISSING THEM ALREADY!!!! sofie knew dat i was "singkat" so she gave me a few bucks for my trip =') sof, u still hav 2 giv me ur acc no =)) LOVE U GIRLS SO MUCH!!!!! ~xoxoxoxoxo~

now, the day after i arrived in kk, I HAD TO MEET THE PEOPLE DAT MADE KK A HOME FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D of course my family too ;D ngeheeee...i missed these gurls SO MUCH dat i was balding...really...im not playing :D :D :D hehheheheheh...

AMY & YUQ!!!!! i only saw them "virtually" thru facebook & ym ='( tu pun, i only saw amesz twice ja la kan ;D it killed me so much knowing dat wen they were here, people were trying to hurt them & probably succeeded & i cudnt do a thing....NOBODY HURTS MY BEST FRIENDS OKAY?????

under some circumstances, i went back a lil late than expected, not a day goes by d kuantan tu dat i didnt miss them =) makin drg komen my photos in facebook, makin rinduuu~ ;P uhuuu...time ni, we were at gracepoint makan2 mau celebrate belated befday yuq ;D man, i cud only afford mee sizzing ja utk c yuq ngahahah!! lain kali yuq, lain kali!!! cupcakes were substitutes for a cake~!

HAAAPPPPPYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D terubat rindu i tau tak...hehheheh GALK!! sue was supposed to go out too but she wasnt allowed coz it was near maghrib suda kan...still got to meet her jap ja..at least i stole a hug from her, dat was enough ;) byk lg masa ni...im not going anywhere ;)

I MISSED AMY'S LAUGH!!!! :D :D :D :D too much to tell!!! in the car wen they heard my ringtone, daft punk technologic, tus tesambung la kan dgn ayat2 miscellaneous drg :D smpai la "nokosi low...mai sodena" hahaha ;) WE WATCHED BOLT!!! &...i....actually....fell......asleep~ ;P ssshhhh....dium2~ ahahahah...wen amesz picked me up, i cud hear her voice from outside my house :D :D :D :D

man im just totally speechless.....I WAS SO DAMN HAPPY TO FINALLY MEET THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lama tu...3 bulan hehe...there was no chance for me n amesz telepathic-saying-the-same-thing-at-the-same-time moment yet, but there was the laughing-a-lot-at-things-only-we-cud-understand moments...o yeah...lots of them :D LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING THEM AGAIN!!!!! LOVE THEM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!

dis laptop's winzip...IS EXPIRED

i need a new blog makeover.

i mean, looking at my current template, wit the current posts i made

ITS DEPRESSING. xD

ya lah...

td pun....bru ja tulis sumthing yg aku besa tulis. marah2 geram2 emo2. cm kin panas pulak ;D

neways, the more interesting my "outlets" r, the less time i lock myself up in the room...haaa...ni pun bunyi dia lain jua ni ba...kimak

HAAAAAAAAPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

2008 pun mau hbs suda...(lepas baca post c amy, ckap psal 2009, brula mcm tebukak mata ni keno ;P) time for new things!!! time for realization, time for maturity, time for A NEW BEGINNING!!!!!!!! bukan ada...lagu..ka ni? title dia new beginning or sumthing....?

huuuuuuuuuuuuuhuhuhuhuuh

i have yet to figure out the course of my life.....? in...2009.......? but i'll try la...yg penting, im the one who makes it HOOOHOHOHOH!!!!

hmmmm...yah...i'll do dat..................tapi......dis laptop punya winzip masi expired ni ba xP

punya....lawak........

BUZZKILL!!!!!! BODOH!!!!!!!

wat's "wrong" with me

hah. hahh. HAHHHHH...i wonder how it is for people to be in my shoes. mcm mau handle ni...?

i noe im not a vocal person, i dont complain a lot n i come across as sum1 hu's easygoing at times, but dat does catch up to u, u noe? people, trying to not be a pain in the ass just brings pain into UR OWN ASS.

ders a reason y i wanted 2 be away (in kuantan) for quite some time. even wen there's nothing for me there. ders a reason y occupy myself a lot wit the internet. fb, fs, n blogs...ders a reason y i listen to my iPod in full volume, ders a reason y wen i listen to my iPod, i'd lock my door & not hear anything else except my "happy" songs....DERS A REASON. wen the THINGS dat hurt & effect & disturbed me a lot comes playing in my head, dats wat i do. DATS THE ONLY THING I DO. i'd drown all the other noise till the only thing i hear is the iPod in my silly thoughts. i've been curios but my conscience brought dis bad-ass guilt dat made me feel twice the pain. so, iPod'd been my companion for sumtime. simple, kan? itu ja kan?

so...napa susah mau faham? for the moment i cant face the demons face to face yet, so leave me in my bliss solitude nden i'll be fine wen i come out. gitu ja baaaaaaaa. i cant take it wen there's "interruptions" in my "therapy". dats how I KEEP ON GOING. dats how ive kept myself SANE. okay? wen things get bad, i'd listen to my songs & im alrite. wen i feel down again, dgr la blk.

dats it ba. itu ja. ITU JA.

*sigh*

but u probably dont want to noe wat im trying to run away from kan? it'll probably add up to the misery u urself have kan? soooooooooo...

wen i cant answer the door....dont treat it like ders something WRONG wit me. coz there is. but the reason why'll hurt u as well.

just LET ME BE. dont tell me dat im ruining my telinga, biarla ba. ada juga hearing aids. dont tell me dat im being irresponsible. dont tell me dat i shudnt lock the door. dont tell me dat im stupid. dis is the most calm i can be. i could turn to alcohol but its not my style. jeeeeeeeez.




just.....................haiiiiiihhhhhhhhh

why? aren't we good enough?

why does it have to be like dis....

is it really worth all dat trouble of putting us down?

literally destroying our lives?

NOT GIVING US A SENSE OF HOPE IN OUR FUTURE?

puas hati ka tgk kami mcmni?

u really want us to have no life at all?

u love it so much wen we're lost & ruined & in so much questions?

u enjoy it wen we know the truth but are forced to keep our mouth shut?

hah...

ko mmg suka dat sense of power over us kan?

u want us to be helpless kan?

why? u cant accept urself or u feel dat we dont deserve a second chance?

u cant accept dat we are ur flesh & blood?

u want to erase dat once & for all?

ur the one who we're supposed to look up to...

are u embarassed of that?

embarassed coz we are living proof of ur humble beginning? or should i say PATHETIC beginning? huh?

u want me to go around feeling like u dont exist?

is dat how lowly we are to u?

huh?

tell me.....

plz tell me.....

u hate us so much dat even a good night's sleep BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF U?

huh?

i am keeping dis all in & i look fine but inside IM A FUCKING MESS COZ OF U.

i dont know wat 2 do at times, i get enraged at things that reminds me of u even the tiniest ways. i do not know how to express myself, i do not know how to let this all out, & coz of wat u did, eventually I CANT TELL ANYONE.

loving dis so much huh?

fuck you.

fuck you fuck you fuck you.

FUCK YOU FOR TURNING ME INTO WAT I AM.

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU FUCKING SICK BASTARD.

YOU ARE SICK.

& COZ OF U, IM FUCKING SICK TOO.

fuck you.

when will i ever get it :D

warning: EXESSIVE JIWANG KARAT MAU MAMPUS BABBLINGS

i feel dis ache in my heart. straight up. aku teda pembayang, no filter to say dis.

I FEEL AN ACHE IN MY HEART.

it is hard for moi to actually blurt out something TOO honest (except wit my best friends, tu pun tapis2 jua) but there u go. aduii.

at times, i feel like there's dis war inside me u noe. the romans against greek war. ange jolie and aniston war. errk.

but for me its the

BRAIN VS HEART

now ur brain, is like a mama advicing u wat 2 do, wat not 2 do & so on. the one responsible for 'the voice in ur head'.

while ur heart is the punk rock daughter dat just wants 2 rebel on anything the mama says & is prone to betrothal (kawin lari). u get the pict la tu kan.

u KNOW the consequences & the reactions or effects or aftermath of a certain action u do. example, makan pisang dgn susu; thus, ur tummy'll feel like a monkey's swinging at ur intestines, ur stool will be liquidish coz of too much fiber & gitula smpai 1 minggu. *gross* tapii...klu tu yg we crave, ataupun, klu tu ja yg ada & ur hungry, or, u havnt tried eating bananas & milk before, the "punk rock daughter" will say, f*ck it, watever. im so over it. *ngappp* tus complain. tus "mama" bawa p "clinic". (warned ya, BABBLINGS)

now take dis example & try to relate to something more......hmm look at the tags xD

*stare at the laptop for 10 mins*

~sigh~ a bit susah now mau blurt out dis lump in here. TT__TT

i noe for a fact dat if ur not whole & satisfied wit urself yet, u cant b involved wit sum1. not coz its ur bruised, but u havnt reached a place called "content". i noe dat. i so noe dat. ive known dat lama suda.

but gosh!! ive actually opened up a part of myself for a certain sum1 who's just so....SO. period. cmna mau describe ah? i still noe dat u need 2 b content & feeling fulfilled before actually doing dis; then lemme tell ya, I WASNT. but i wanted 2 anyways. subconciously. only to realized wat i hav done to myself moments ago

*feeling dat ache*

so, second part. my loved ones rite now are at a stage where everything's just not going rite. they're sad; angry; miserable; stuck; denying; fighting tooth & nails; down. my best friend just got backstabbed & many numerous things coz of her friends' senseless behavior & there is probably this "hate gang" that'll make it more worse. my little sis is being bullied at work, her own supposedly best friend is sneakily making every1 hate her, her boss is abusing his power & most of it effects her. & my family........................................................

dats private & confidential for now~

*the ache doubles*

& of course i was upset but then

there's dis undescribable feeling deep down in my heart dat added some extras in the ache by these two things

*ache quadraples*

~sigh~ dis is starting to not make any sense rite? errgghh

then i figured, there must be some "locks" opened in me heart dat ive put a sign "no entry" to. it all started last nite. coz of dat certain sum1.

*ache beyond calculation*

~sigh~ see...i knew wat not to do, but coz i wat i WANTED, caused dis. y? (refer to banana example :D) coz i "got hungry & tu ja yg ada" honestly. sehonest honestnya. yup. punk rocker odeed on some powerful "drug".

ERHEM!!!!! BTW!!!!!!!

thank god, "mama" ada...wisdom & selfthought can cure anything, but its not easy tho...

so, i tell myself dis. a heart's like dis piece of wooden puzzle rite here. wen building it u hav 2 b careful & patient. giv a piece away, it crumbles. only wen its finished, then it can b given as a GIFT. only a piece of it, isnt.

so mr wrote-the-love-book-whoever-u-are, hav i finally passed the test now? am i good now? i get ka? =/ haiyooooooo hunnah....

anu ba....LOVE ba kan.....

mcmna ba mau btul2 selidiki dgn teliti the fundamentals of LOVE. aku macam.....lost sudah dalam bab ni tau.

*mula la suda ni. merepek. merapu. haihh*

time mula2 aku berkecimpung la kira, dalam LOVE ni kan, aku memang rookie lagi seperti semua orang. main bantai ja la kira. time tu pun, i was a carefree person, aku pentingkan orang lain dulu, pa drg pikir semua. aku.....last2 la. bukan intentionally, tp memang sifat aku. trus tu, tiba2 ah ada relationship. dalam kepala dan hati masih2 blur2 ni. adala tu feeling yg boleh tahan la BANYAK cuma.......nda tau pa mo buat! hehe. the relationship went down the drain la as predicted but.....i dunno wat i did wrong, i dunno wat i did rite, i dunno wat i shudve done & i dunno wat i shudnt hav done. but, the pain. punyala. but, i didnt care much after dat. carefree kan. hehe. but it did made me dont want sumthing like dat to happen again.

pastu, aku cuba lagi. hmm. aku minat tu orang mula2 sebab dia cumil xD dan aku di kuantan, dia orang sabah, DIA PAHAM APA AKU CAKAP!! GILA!! (dui~) i didnt hesitate in dis one coz i really wanted to give LOVE & RELATIONSHIP a second try. cian kan? ok la he was sweet & all blah blah. up till he brought me to meet his family. MOM, SIS, BRO, LIL SIS, LIL BRO, AUNTIES....o...my god....aku ni....serious ka??? pegi pertunangan adik dia lagi. gila. by that time, dia cuma tau nama aku, aku belajar di mana, d sabah mana aku tinggal, aku ambil course apa....& erm....tu ja. & the same goes for me. so, i dumped the guy *sigh* i was loving my life at the time, everything was going good, & the only reason i thought i should have a relationship was just coz i wanted to. not i want him. so, i realized i made a mistake. people arent toys. kalau ya pun mau relationship, biarlah betul2 & ikhlas.

so, third. aku jumpalah someone whom i had a relationship with the longest banding dari dorang semua. this time, i really loved him. adore him. we had so much fun together, he taught me a lot, & made me realize how it is to really love a person. sanala aku sedar apa yang kurang time aku dengan 1st relationship aku tu. at times, u really need to show dat u care. u really need to be there for someone who cares for u & u need to show dat u care balik la. & dat small things matter the most. i didnt care if people disliked me. so, i learned somthing! yay! i thought dat i was doing everything rite in a relationship. i didnt care if i'd spent my weekends alone coz he's always there. i didnt care if i fought with some people, or treated people badly, i know dat HE'S STILL THERE. i hav someone. see my flaw? its as if i depended on him too much. i did, dat was wat cost me a HUGE heartbreak. almost a year, he dumped me for another girl. who dumped him for another guy. karma karma. it hit both of us. i thought i did everything to avoid wat happen to me the first time. i guess my lil equation was wrong.

ok, so now, mohammad nor hisyam. he was a lil different than my usual taste. i dont go for the macho2 handsome type, im not worthy~ but he showed interest so we became more than friends. at this time, i thought to just go with the flow & let things happen naturally. like dont plan out things, just give it a try. i failed at wat i thought was rite before so its alrite, rite? so, he's the most inconsistent person i met; but he always manages to make me go ga-ga for him. but i continued on. & we were on off lots of time. more than once. but its always him looking for me back. i thought dat dis is something real, but i dunno. i have lots of doubts. & im gonna stay at kk, & i dont think it cud work if im far from him. i kinda spent most of my time while i was with thinking & thinking cud it work? wat if i did dis? wat if i did dat? is it ok if i did dis? so, failure. again. he asked for a breakup for the umptenth time, & i gave up. i held on & had hopes on him & it just ended like dat. so, wat is it now genius?

love love...susah ba ko ni xD hehe. but here's wat i realized. if u cant trust urself, how can u trust others? if u dont know how to care for urself, how can u care about someone else? if u dont know urself, how can u expect people to know u? wit my third story tu...my mistake was dat i didnt noe myself yet so being wit him makes him a part of me. a bit too big of a part. one shud not give away dat much. & wit syam, well...i didnt trust myself enough to trust him in the relationship. there's no use for thinking about the cud've wud've & shud've now coz u cannot help wat u cudnt realize at a certain time.

salah aku kah? mungkin...tapi...apalah aku kena buat ni? apalah langkah2 yang betul ni? do i have to endure another heartbreak to find out? at times, i knew wat i have to do to not have a heartache, brain masih sober lagi but why do i still just go on at times? tu hati kan macam mabuk. jeez. desperate ka ni? ka clueless? heish, ndala aku tau. bingung eh.

giv me dat melancholy applause i deserve

yet again,

kudos to the winner for the biggest ego award

ME

shud've known dat i wasnt wat u wanted all along............

wait, i knew dat

just didnt wanna believe it

gosh, i hate myself for trusting & hoping for one too many times

imagined & fantisized of wat we cud be

& since all dats left is my pride & precious ego

i guess i really deserve all of dis.

(im really babbling)

heish..

*sigh*

*sigh again*

*cant stop sighing*

wargh

u can see from my blog dat i am kinda lost n stuff...kan?

im here in kuantan...so now wat?
i feel so....sumthing but i dunno wat it is 0_o
aiyoo
where do i go from here?
im about to finish my dip n all
but i dunno wat 2 do after dat
urgh
bingung
i dont even know wat 2 write about
mcm ada bata ni ba d kepala
kin panas
is it coz i feel unachieved or sumthing?
is it...?
haihh
ntahla....


haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh....

BODOH BODOH BODOH BODOH BODOH...

i just wrote sumthing

WORTHY TO PUT INTO AN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

and the internet..........

dia pigi.......

disconnected.........

lps tu....

autosaved separuh ja......

aduuuuuuuuuuuuui.....

It Doesn't Matter Much Now, Coz I'm Better

ur at it again, i dont see any faith & signs dat show dat u believe in me.
little, little things dat give away ur thoughts of me & unfortunately wat u think of me
but dat's all senseless to me now
i know better now
i won't destruct myself just for something u can't see & u probably won't
i won't go back to square one where i was ignorant of everything as though i havn't lived & learn
because now,

dat's ur problem. u hav 2 deal wit it now.

i "did" my time. I've passed my test & aced it. erm, C+ la
xD

i wont b angry, i wont force u into a situation or try to persuade u or anything coz it's not ur time yet. untill u see it for urself. no grudge here, juz dat i can't do anything & i cant do everything as someone who's supposed to look out for u. dis is my silent truce. =)

Dear Kuantan,

Hello Kuantan. Mcm ko?

I'm going 2 set my foot on u in a few days now.

but there r sum requests wishes dat i ask of u before i actually go there.
alaa...

nda susah pun mau buat,

small thing onyyyyy,

its driving me CRAZY juz thinking of going 2 U,

nda tau lg la bila aku btul2 d sna.....

plz grant me my wishes

1. 1st, i ask u to be nice wit me. i dun want me
   getting no diseases, illness, flu, fever, apa2 la k? & since kuantan tu
   TERLALU BYK BAS, tell ur ministery 2 buy more bas la...klu nda pun, make a
   really2 comfortable bus stand. syok sket! namau ujan2 time aku p klas & go
   mild wit the wheather huh? it'll kill my sensitive skin
2. can u tell ur residents to b nice to me? man...i've kept pretty much to myself all dis time despite everything & i intend to keep it dat way. plz keep me uninvolved wit the senseless drama provided by girls dat is in serious need of a LIFE & boys dat can't find their d*cks. oops pardon me =) & did u notice? malapetaka still came to me. *sigh* it's hard being such a FABULOUS person. *sigh sigh sigh* i'm blessed enough here in KOTA KINABALU & yes, she's better than u in lots of ways, dat's juz the way it is, can't be helped la. for the moment, i wanna appreciate as much as i can wat i already have than seeking wat im missing. coz there's absolutely nothing dat i dont hav rite now. dont disrupt dat.
3. gosh. tell dat Shahputra College of mine to NOT make me go to a CERAMAH DISIPLIN coz my hair is BLONDE. i failed a paper but i also got a dlist 1nce. & coz of dat finally uitm melaka recognizes you. not me alone tho, zue & 2 other *ssholes. bless zue too. only. k?
4. ui. kasi besar la Mydin tu. payah btul mau beli sabun cuci kain. HARI2 FULL!!! NGAPA KIAN?!
5. O ya. Jalanraya yg otw p Teluk Cempedak tu. 2 thun setengah sudah. Nda pndai siap2. Bukan apa, cian ba tinguk. If dat road is finally fixed i promise u, I WILL INCREASE UR REVENUE DAMMIT!! i'll go to TC everyday for supper d McD.
6. OH!! how is it dat people i dont even noe gives me looks & stares of dislike? Sepa ba durang? tell them to leave me alone!!!!
7. And regarding my ex BOYO, i'd prefer it if he doesn't REMEMBER ME AT ALL. do watever u want...run him over wit a car, drop a building on him, break his crotch or watever la! till he gets permanent memory loss. such a waste of time if they drag me into their stupid feud. i hav nothing to do wit him or his friends AT ALL. tolong la.
8. o yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! shahputra students makin bzbody. fix dat.
9. u noe sumthing upset me really bad while i was there last semester. u noe wat happened.giv me the strength to tolerate wit it all & dont make me grow more hate in my heart as i am too angry already. a certain SHE still is clueless & does not understand me & wat i've been thru, even tho it all happened in front of her own TWO EYES. she still cudn't SEE. avoid me from heartbreak coz of her actions & selalu la kasi jatuh RM10 dri urg lain pnya wallet so dat i cud reload & call my loved ones before i became the worse of me again. dis cant be solved, & the only way i can handle dis is me TOLERATING SWALLOWING dat bitterness.
10. Hah! how u can help me tolerate dis is plz bring SYAM to u. he's a COMPLICATED character but he still holds dat piece of me dat i cant let go of yet. he gave me a lot of hard times but i guess for now he's kinda one of the only reason dat can make me happy at least during my stay. and again, no drama or chaos from pathetic people dat has nothing better to do than make me miserable. deyyy~ i want to meet Syam witout any stupid interruptions from stupid people.

Theeerrre...be my Santa coz I've been a Nice KiD!!! xD c'mon....i helped u wen the Malaysian Tourist Guide Council came....i always DANCED my *ss off everytime u had an important event...i never litter wen i was there!! i never stole anything...yeaaaaah badmouthed u a bit but always deliver anything dat was given to me & the benefit always goes to u. Please Kuantan, be nice to me. That's all i ask. Be nice to me.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AL-MUBARAK

Sudah tiba masanya untuk merayakan

kegigihan, toleransi, & komitmen kita

terhadap Bulan Ramadhan selepas sebulan berpuasa,

sebulan menahan nafsu,

dan sebulan tidak mengikut kata hati tetapi mengikut perintah Allah S.W.T.

HAPPY CELEBRATING PEOPLE!!

i want my candy

& i wanted lots of other things too

i expected them to fall on my hands

I HAV BEEN VERY SELFISH

wahh....im beat~

gila

i've been baking kuih raya for almost 7 hours straight!!

i rest a bit only to do somthing else wit the cookies

sitting down & putting them in containers

or drizzling the cornflake rocher wit white choco

or piping the cheese prawn cookies

xD

bahh...baikla...

u need a personal trainer

TO COOK

ataupun

p la

ambil

PILATES

YOGA

WEIGHTLIFTING

pikir msak senang?

MEH AKU CHALLENGE!

lol

*serius lg tu....budu xD*

ooooooooooh~!

another post wudnt hurt ^^

my sleeping patterns
teda pendirian~

kejap tdur pagi
kejap tdur malam
kejap nda tidur
kejap tidur 1 hari

*apainiiii.....*

hah! timing? jan la tnya! i wudnt noe~
i hav no idea wen i'll sleep & wen im sleepy nowadays
one minute im laying down, dgr ipod
the next
ZZZzzzzZZZzzZZzzzZZZzZZZzzz
& then bangun bingung2

*pkul brp suda ni?......*

hah...gitula!!

& wen i thought i was sleepy
i ended up wasting hours on bed before giving up & sambung chores,
buat kuih, tgk tv, onl9~

nasib baik palang merah
nda jua tekacau puasa =D

hari ni, nda tau laaaaaa pkul brp tdur!!!
"as i wait in vain"
LOL hahaha! dri mna ni lyric ah.....?

ooooh! or or or
"i'll be right here waiting for u..."

or or or or
"as i wait & bleed"

OR OR OR!!!
"long i wait, like a stone blah blah"

ataupu,
"wait for u, till the heaven's gone"









TTT_________TTT








*ni nama dia mau kena tmpar*








oh dear. nda lama lg p kuantan.
10th oct la latest. jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.
pjj ba ni. LAWAK BODOH!!!!

& then.....

& then.....

& then.....

OH MY GOD............

mati la aku ni~ xD

but at least adala juga highlight p sna
mau jumpa c elle d kl!!! oh oh! i wanna take my pictures!!! mau jumpa c naqwa yg gila! mau minta maap sma kak azzah!!

*errgh....cian kak azzah~ =(*

& then
erm.....
erm.....
maybe meet syam?
i do miss him =(
he did contact me again
=((((((((

*......................*

ANYWAYS!!!!
blum study apa2 lg la kan
p sna trus ambl TEST, QUIZ
GILAAAAAAAA!!!
its like there's a whole civilization of labah2
dlam kepalaku skrg....telampau....tebiar~ LOL

waarrrggghhh xsbar mau kuar wit amy & cheri
tu next planning!
& then dis sunday c suuuueee blk!!!!!!
yessshh dpt jumpa drg
& c yuq lg~
dkat rumah ja tp napaaaaaa jarang jmpa tu ah!! lucucucu
I MISS MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think im too caught wit myself a little too long =/




















jeez....im not sleepy yet???????????????????????

visual explaination

see, i hav some people in my life where they just dont see & think much of me
dat im not as significant or
dat im not capable of feeling or knowing things
beside to just laugh, eat, & joke around. make fun of myself

they just expect me to adapt to their ways & thoughts

im just someone who's visible but transparent

it doesn't make any sense but there u go

i guess every1 has felt like dis....yes?

yeah, i guess i am dat kinda person

im not serius,

i dont go around telling people how matture i am

i dont see myself as someone who's to look up to

or even showing it

& yeah, i do know wat u think of me

I DO

but even if i said something

there's dat look dat always stopped me from saying anything

or dat silent treatment where everything is just fine

& they won't wana mention about

resulting in

ur thoughts actually linger for as long as it could

so long dat it stays

permenantly

& i cant change dat anymore

what happened to the simple "dont judge a book by its cover"?

i might be a happy go lucky person

i fart, i belch, i like kitties & cartoons

but that's just a part of me

right?

im just as same as u, i wanna be understood too.

i wanna be accepted too.

i dont wana be given dat LOOK where wen i express something

ur hoping me to stop

u dont wanna listen

im just babbling

or the worse ever

u think otherwise of wat's actually coming out of my mouth. ouch, dis kills the most.

i havn't even finished talking,

& u already think dat im wrong.

gee...

judging others is good,

it could predetermine wats gonna happen between u & the person

& boleh la avoid benda2 xbesh.

but to actually make a person feel like they cant be themselves

& there's no space for them to do so

or u wont allow it is just inconsiderate.

its hard to read dis....kan?

u probably couldn't even read ol of dis cos of the font..

see, dis is simply my point...

wen u dont think much of a person like i said,

coz u see him or her as dis small,

he or she is insignificant to u,

its hard for u to know dat person.

thus, treating the person like he or she isnt worth much.

just like dis post. visually, i mean

nevertheless, its wen people disregard u

dat dis happens.