why? aren't we good enough?

why does it have to be like dis....

is it really worth all dat trouble of putting us down?

literally destroying our lives?

NOT GIVING US A SENSE OF HOPE IN OUR FUTURE?

puas hati ka tgk kami mcmni?

u really want us to have no life at all?

u love it so much wen we're lost & ruined & in so much questions?

u enjoy it wen we know the truth but are forced to keep our mouth shut?

hah...

ko mmg suka dat sense of power over us kan?

u want us to be helpless kan?

why? u cant accept urself or u feel dat we dont deserve a second chance?

u cant accept dat we are ur flesh & blood?

u want to erase dat once & for all?

ur the one who we're supposed to look up to...

are u embarassed of that?

embarassed coz we are living proof of ur humble beginning? or should i say PATHETIC beginning? huh?

u want me to go around feeling like u dont exist?

is dat how lowly we are to u?

huh?

tell me.....

plz tell me.....

u hate us so much dat even a good night's sleep BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF U?

huh?

i am keeping dis all in & i look fine but inside IM A FUCKING MESS COZ OF U.

i dont know wat 2 do at times, i get enraged at things that reminds me of u even the tiniest ways. i do not know how to express myself, i do not know how to let this all out, & coz of wat u did, eventually I CANT TELL ANYONE.

loving dis so much huh?

fuck you.

fuck you fuck you fuck you.

FUCK YOU FOR TURNING ME INTO WAT I AM.

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKED UP MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU FUCKING SICK BASTARD.

YOU ARE SICK.

& COZ OF U, IM FUCKING SICK TOO.

fuck you.

when will i ever get it :D

warning: EXESSIVE JIWANG KARAT MAU MAMPUS BABBLINGS

i feel dis ache in my heart. straight up. aku teda pembayang, no filter to say dis.

I FEEL AN ACHE IN MY HEART.

it is hard for moi to actually blurt out something TOO honest (except wit my best friends, tu pun tapis2 jua) but there u go. aduii.

at times, i feel like there's dis war inside me u noe. the romans against greek war. ange jolie and aniston war. errk.

but for me its the

BRAIN VS HEART

now ur brain, is like a mama advicing u wat 2 do, wat not 2 do & so on. the one responsible for 'the voice in ur head'.

while ur heart is the punk rock daughter dat just wants 2 rebel on anything the mama says & is prone to betrothal (kawin lari). u get the pict la tu kan.

u KNOW the consequences & the reactions or effects or aftermath of a certain action u do. example, makan pisang dgn susu; thus, ur tummy'll feel like a monkey's swinging at ur intestines, ur stool will be liquidish coz of too much fiber & gitula smpai 1 minggu. *gross* tapii...klu tu yg we crave, ataupun, klu tu ja yg ada & ur hungry, or, u havnt tried eating bananas & milk before, the "punk rock daughter" will say, f*ck it, watever. im so over it. *ngappp* tus complain. tus "mama" bawa p "clinic". (warned ya, BABBLINGS)

now take dis example & try to relate to something more......hmm look at the tags xD

*stare at the laptop for 10 mins*

~sigh~ a bit susah now mau blurt out dis lump in here. TT__TT

i noe for a fact dat if ur not whole & satisfied wit urself yet, u cant b involved wit sum1. not coz its ur bruised, but u havnt reached a place called "content". i noe dat. i so noe dat. ive known dat lama suda.

but gosh!! ive actually opened up a part of myself for a certain sum1 who's just so....SO. period. cmna mau describe ah? i still noe dat u need 2 b content & feeling fulfilled before actually doing dis; then lemme tell ya, I WASNT. but i wanted 2 anyways. subconciously. only to realized wat i hav done to myself moments ago

*feeling dat ache*

so, second part. my loved ones rite now are at a stage where everything's just not going rite. they're sad; angry; miserable; stuck; denying; fighting tooth & nails; down. my best friend just got backstabbed & many numerous things coz of her friends' senseless behavior & there is probably this "hate gang" that'll make it more worse. my little sis is being bullied at work, her own supposedly best friend is sneakily making every1 hate her, her boss is abusing his power & most of it effects her. & my family........................................................

dats private & confidential for now~

*the ache doubles*

& of course i was upset but then

there's dis undescribable feeling deep down in my heart dat added some extras in the ache by these two things

*ache quadraples*

~sigh~ dis is starting to not make any sense rite? errgghh

then i figured, there must be some "locks" opened in me heart dat ive put a sign "no entry" to. it all started last nite. coz of dat certain sum1.

*ache beyond calculation*

~sigh~ see...i knew wat not to do, but coz i wat i WANTED, caused dis. y? (refer to banana example :D) coz i "got hungry & tu ja yg ada" honestly. sehonest honestnya. yup. punk rocker odeed on some powerful "drug".

ERHEM!!!!! BTW!!!!!!!

thank god, "mama" ada...wisdom & selfthought can cure anything, but its not easy tho...

so, i tell myself dis. a heart's like dis piece of wooden puzzle rite here. wen building it u hav 2 b careful & patient. giv a piece away, it crumbles. only wen its finished, then it can b given as a GIFT. only a piece of it, isnt.

so mr wrote-the-love-book-whoever-u-are, hav i finally passed the test now? am i good now? i get ka? =/ haiyooooooo hunnah....

anu ba....LOVE ba kan.....

mcmna ba mau btul2 selidiki dgn teliti the fundamentals of LOVE. aku macam.....lost sudah dalam bab ni tau.

*mula la suda ni. merepek. merapu. haihh*

time mula2 aku berkecimpung la kira, dalam LOVE ni kan, aku memang rookie lagi seperti semua orang. main bantai ja la kira. time tu pun, i was a carefree person, aku pentingkan orang lain dulu, pa drg pikir semua. aku.....last2 la. bukan intentionally, tp memang sifat aku. trus tu, tiba2 ah ada relationship. dalam kepala dan hati masih2 blur2 ni. adala tu feeling yg boleh tahan la BANYAK cuma.......nda tau pa mo buat! hehe. the relationship went down the drain la as predicted but.....i dunno wat i did wrong, i dunno wat i did rite, i dunno wat i shudve done & i dunno wat i shudnt hav done. but, the pain. punyala. but, i didnt care much after dat. carefree kan. hehe. but it did made me dont want sumthing like dat to happen again.

pastu, aku cuba lagi. hmm. aku minat tu orang mula2 sebab dia cumil xD dan aku di kuantan, dia orang sabah, DIA PAHAM APA AKU CAKAP!! GILA!! (dui~) i didnt hesitate in dis one coz i really wanted to give LOVE & RELATIONSHIP a second try. cian kan? ok la he was sweet & all blah blah. up till he brought me to meet his family. MOM, SIS, BRO, LIL SIS, LIL BRO, AUNTIES....o...my god....aku ni....serious ka??? pegi pertunangan adik dia lagi. gila. by that time, dia cuma tau nama aku, aku belajar di mana, d sabah mana aku tinggal, aku ambil course apa....& erm....tu ja. & the same goes for me. so, i dumped the guy *sigh* i was loving my life at the time, everything was going good, & the only reason i thought i should have a relationship was just coz i wanted to. not i want him. so, i realized i made a mistake. people arent toys. kalau ya pun mau relationship, biarlah betul2 & ikhlas.

so, third. aku jumpalah someone whom i had a relationship with the longest banding dari dorang semua. this time, i really loved him. adore him. we had so much fun together, he taught me a lot, & made me realize how it is to really love a person. sanala aku sedar apa yang kurang time aku dengan 1st relationship aku tu. at times, u really need to show dat u care. u really need to be there for someone who cares for u & u need to show dat u care balik la. & dat small things matter the most. i didnt care if people disliked me. so, i learned somthing! yay! i thought dat i was doing everything rite in a relationship. i didnt care if i'd spent my weekends alone coz he's always there. i didnt care if i fought with some people, or treated people badly, i know dat HE'S STILL THERE. i hav someone. see my flaw? its as if i depended on him too much. i did, dat was wat cost me a HUGE heartbreak. almost a year, he dumped me for another girl. who dumped him for another guy. karma karma. it hit both of us. i thought i did everything to avoid wat happen to me the first time. i guess my lil equation was wrong.

ok, so now, mohammad nor hisyam. he was a lil different than my usual taste. i dont go for the macho2 handsome type, im not worthy~ but he showed interest so we became more than friends. at this time, i thought to just go with the flow & let things happen naturally. like dont plan out things, just give it a try. i failed at wat i thought was rite before so its alrite, rite? so, he's the most inconsistent person i met; but he always manages to make me go ga-ga for him. but i continued on. & we were on off lots of time. more than once. but its always him looking for me back. i thought dat dis is something real, but i dunno. i have lots of doubts. & im gonna stay at kk, & i dont think it cud work if im far from him. i kinda spent most of my time while i was with thinking & thinking cud it work? wat if i did dis? wat if i did dat? is it ok if i did dis? so, failure. again. he asked for a breakup for the umptenth time, & i gave up. i held on & had hopes on him & it just ended like dat. so, wat is it now genius?

love love...susah ba ko ni xD hehe. but here's wat i realized. if u cant trust urself, how can u trust others? if u dont know how to care for urself, how can u care about someone else? if u dont know urself, how can u expect people to know u? wit my third story tu...my mistake was dat i didnt noe myself yet so being wit him makes him a part of me. a bit too big of a part. one shud not give away dat much. & wit syam, well...i didnt trust myself enough to trust him in the relationship. there's no use for thinking about the cud've wud've & shud've now coz u cannot help wat u cudnt realize at a certain time.

salah aku kah? mungkin...tapi...apalah aku kena buat ni? apalah langkah2 yang betul ni? do i have to endure another heartbreak to find out? at times, i knew wat i have to do to not have a heartache, brain masih sober lagi but why do i still just go on at times? tu hati kan macam mabuk. jeez. desperate ka ni? ka clueless? heish, ndala aku tau. bingung eh.

giv me dat melancholy applause i deserve

yet again,

kudos to the winner for the biggest ego award

ME

shud've known dat i wasnt wat u wanted all along............

wait, i knew dat

just didnt wanna believe it

gosh, i hate myself for trusting & hoping for one too many times

imagined & fantisized of wat we cud be

& since all dats left is my pride & precious ego

i guess i really deserve all of dis.

(im really babbling)