mcmna ba mau btul2 selidiki dgn teliti the fundamentals of LOVE. aku macam.....lost sudah dalam bab ni tau.
*mula la suda ni. merepek. merapu. haihh*
time mula2 aku berkecimpung la kira, dalam LOVE ni kan, aku memang rookie lagi seperti semua orang. main bantai ja la kira. time tu pun, i was a carefree person, aku pentingkan orang lain dulu, pa drg pikir semua. aku.....last2 la. bukan intentionally, tp memang sifat aku. trus tu, tiba2 ah ada relationship. dalam kepala dan hati masih2 blur2 ni. adala tu feeling yg boleh tahan la BANYAK cuma.......nda tau pa mo buat! hehe. the relationship went down the drain la as predicted but.....i dunno wat i did wrong, i dunno wat i did rite, i dunno wat i shudve done & i dunno wat i shudnt hav done. but, the pain. punyala. but, i didnt care much after dat. carefree kan. hehe. but it did made me dont want sumthing like dat to happen again.
pastu, aku cuba lagi. hmm. aku minat tu orang mula2 sebab dia cumil xD dan aku di kuantan, dia orang sabah, DIA PAHAM APA AKU CAKAP!! GILA!! (dui~) i didnt hesitate in dis one coz i really wanted to give LOVE & RELATIONSHIP a second try. cian kan? ok la he was sweet & all blah blah. up till he brought me to meet his family. MOM, SIS, BRO, LIL SIS, LIL BRO, AUNTIES....o...my god....aku ni....serious ka??? pegi pertunangan adik dia lagi. gila. by that time, dia cuma tau nama aku, aku belajar di mana, d sabah mana aku tinggal, aku ambil course apa....& erm....tu ja. & the same goes for me. so, i dumped the guy *sigh* i was loving my life at the time, everything was going good, & the only reason i thought i should have a relationship was just coz i wanted to. not i want him. so, i realized i made a mistake. people arent toys. kalau ya pun mau relationship, biarlah betul2 & ikhlas.
so, third. aku jumpalah someone whom i had a relationship with the longest banding dari dorang semua. this time, i really loved him. adore him. we had so much fun together, he taught me a lot, & made me realize how it is to really love a person. sanala aku sedar apa yang kurang time aku dengan 1st relationship aku tu. at times, u really need to show dat u care. u really need to be there for someone who cares for u & u need to show dat u care balik la. & dat small things matter the most. i didnt care if people disliked me. so, i learned somthing! yay! i thought dat i was doing everything rite in a relationship. i didnt care if i'd spent my weekends alone coz he's always there. i didnt care if i fought with some people, or treated people badly, i know dat HE'S STILL THERE. i hav someone. see my flaw? its as if i depended on him too much. i did, dat was wat cost me a HUGE heartbreak. almost a year, he dumped me for another girl. who dumped him for another guy. karma karma. it hit both of us. i thought i did everything to avoid wat happen to me the first time. i guess my lil equation was wrong.
ok, so now, mohammad nor hisyam. he was a lil different than my usual taste. i dont go for the macho2 handsome type, im not worthy~ but he showed interest so we became more than friends. at this time, i thought to just go with the flow & let things happen naturally. like dont plan out things, just give it a try. i failed at wat i thought was rite before so its alrite, rite? so, he's the most inconsistent person i met; but he always manages to make me go ga-ga for him. but i continued on. & we were on off lots of time. more than once. but its always him looking for me back. i thought dat dis is something real, but i dunno. i have lots of doubts. & im gonna stay at kk, & i dont think it cud work if im far from him. i kinda spent most of my time while i was with thinking & thinking cud it work? wat if i did dis? wat if i did dat? is it ok if i did dis? so, failure. again. he asked for a breakup for the umptenth time, & i gave up. i held on & had hopes on him & it just ended like dat. so, wat is it now genius?
love love...susah ba ko ni xD hehe. but here's wat i realized. if u cant trust urself, how can u trust others? if u dont know how to care for urself, how can u care about someone else? if u dont know urself, how can u expect people to know u? wit my third story tu...my mistake was dat i didnt noe myself yet so being wit him makes him a part of me. a bit too big of a part. one shud not give away dat much. & wit syam, well...i didnt trust myself enough to trust him in the relationship. there's no use for thinking about the cud've wud've & shud've now coz u cannot help wat u cudnt realize at a certain time.
salah aku kah? mungkin...tapi...apalah aku kena buat ni? apalah langkah2 yang betul ni? do i have to endure another heartbreak to find out? at times, i knew wat i have to do to not have a heartache, brain masih sober lagi but why do i still just go on at times? tu hati kan macam mabuk. jeez. desperate ka ni? ka clueless? heish, ndala aku tau. bingung eh.
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